On Loneliness

 

For all of my life until now, I have never encountered loneliness. I have had always had plenty to do that I wanted to do- plenty of hobbies, people I could call on, work, travel and the like. But recently I have tired of travel, I have employed most of my friends or their relatives (and therefore lost them inevitably as friends- telling people what to do endures nobody to anybody), work is under control or its people too overworked for me to be able to give further instructions to or I am simply too tired to do anymore). I have always been a creature of solitude, a loner most happy in my own company and never happier than sitting with a book, listening to music and thinking.

 

But recently I have come to recognise that I am lonely. Loneliness is having nothing else to do. Loneliness is not having any options- you start by staying in night after night because you want to, and end up staying in night after night because you have to. You feel tired and you don't mind staying in that much, but you are not that tired and wish you could go out. For the first time in my life, I really want to be in a relationship where I can spend time and have someone else to call upon who will always be there and someone to go out with and do things with. A companion for time and activities, as much as anything else.

 

Loneliness is having no way out. I really would like a companion but have few opportunities to find one. And they say that you find these things when you are not looking. If you suddenly start calling your friends again, so much time has elapsed that integrating yourself back in plausibly and comfortably becomes difficult.

 

It's the public holidays that you feel it the most- there is no work to do, people who have people are out together busying themselves and the post doesn't come. The inevitable result is turning to the TV.

 

So loneliness is having nothing else to do and no easy way of getting out of that rut. To avoid spiraling into depression its necessary to play hard when you get the chance, get out to places where you can be alone like gyms, throw yourself into some hobby- or write, as I do. I used to write this stuff because writing was the ultimate conceit- the opportunity for me to put my thoughts on paper as if they are of any interest or consequence to anyone else. Nowadays I am writing again because I do enough work during the week, and have nothing else to do on the weekend.

 

 

Author: Simon Buckingham

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