We both live in the same block of flats. Actually it’s a block of student accommodation at a university, but I don’t want to run the risk of alienating you at this early stage at least, either because you haven’t yourself been or think that I’m some know-it-all student pratt who can’t hear and won’t listen. I don’t think I am. The answer will hopefully come later.

 

Last term, as First Year Representative for this same block of flats, I got to see this girl. You know, went around to deliver the latest news, collect the cans and bottles for recycling and all that. So I saw her. Over the Christmas holiday after my first term I decided that although I knew everyone I didn’t know too many people well, and one good conversation is in my opinion worth a thousand “Hellos”. Last term I knew I liked her, and so I resolved to get to know her.

 

Anyway within maybe a couple of days there I was, on her doorstep, which isn’t too far, well actually only 15 seconds or 3 flights of steps away. I went in, made a little polite conversation (as one does in such situations!), and asked her if all that was, was good and if she’d help me to get some tickets printed for our hall of residence’s Annual Spring Dinner, which as First Year Representative I was responsible for organizing.

 

As to the later, she was naturally somewhat surprised that I was asking her. And all that I could do was blabber some indecisive comment about how I was trying to get people from different blocks of flats to help me, which I wasn’t. Indeed we live in the same block in which I know everyone well. One of her flat mates asked me if I was after her, yes those were her words, and I replied in the negative, and made some comment about her having a boyfriend, which I knew from last term. She replied anyway that they were no more, that he was a pig. I think that she said that then, anyway I don’t know the bloke, so I wouldn’t have got this idea that he’s a pig unless Kate had told me. This is what I wanted to know, last term she had also said that he hadn’t written to her for ages, so I kind of thought when I was considering going to see her that there was a possibility that she might be single.

 

Upon asking her how her holidays were she said that she had spent January 3^rd to 8^th in a hospital about 12 miles from the university. She still had a portable drip in her arm, I call it a drip because this is how I came to think of and describe it, but it was basically a tube in her arm. I asked her why she had been in hospital (as one does in a situation where someone else has just told you that they have been in hospital!) and she explained that she had a bad cold. Anyway, I suppose I thought that it was a bit strange, I mean most people had a cold at that time of the year, but no-one else with whom I was familiar wore a portable drip because of it. Perhaps sensing my confused thought train Kate told me that she was a diabetic, and that this complicated somewhat the common cold.

 

Anyway this illness gave me the excuse that I was looking for to go around there to see and get to know her. And I liked what I saw and heard. So I was around every evening for a little after that, and found her to be intellectual, happy, funny and kind, so that by the time that Saturday came, a few days after my first visit, I was happy that her drip was coming out, but I hadn’t thought a lot about it, because it didn’t seem to be affecting her behavior, and because it was soon to come out. And it came out, and every day I saw her and got to know her better and better.

 

On the Sunday, which was the day after her drip had been removed, Kate and I had a relaxing time at her flat, and then we had gone for a little walk to post a letter for her. She came back to my flat so we could look together at the 16 menus which the hotel offered, and try to decipher and interpret them (Medallion of pork: what do you do wear it around your neck?).

 

I had booked the hotel for our Ball and one of the other committee members suggested that it might be an idea to go and check the place out, he thought that this would be desirable at least because it would make me look powerful. I couldn’t have cared less about this, because I knew that everyone would be grateful to me for organizing the ball. But I considered it the perfect chance to take Kate out. Our first outing could be pleasurable but under the implicit heading of necessary for our ball organizing business relationship which was virtually non-existent anyway.

 

That evening, because I wanted to and because we were getting on well, I asked Kate casually (as one does to avoid outward distress should the reply come back negative) if we could meet the following Wednesday afternoon (her only afternoon off from lectures) to get the tickets for the Ball sorted. She agreed to this.

 

I went up that evening as was now usual and didn’t get the chance to see her for long, because another male friend came around soon after I arrived. As soon as was politely possible thereafter I had left to return frustrated down the three flights of steps to my own flat. I had intended returning that evening to ask her because I wanted to do it. That’s my trouble, sod waiting for the right moment, any answer is better than no answer. Anyway in the event Kate came down to see me, she came in, said that I hadn’t had to leave earlier on when someone else arrived to see her, and then said she was sorry but she was unable to make our ticket-arranging date that Wednesday, because she had a check-up at the hospital to make sure that all’s well that had ended well when the drip had come out.

 

At the moment that she had said she couldn’t come on Wednesday I asked her outright to accompany me to the hotel instead. Yes the reply came back, and she seemed pleased because non-verbally her face lit up and her eyes smiled at me, and verbally she said that she had a dress that she could wear. So I had a date, and started (as one does in such situations) to plan for it. If she was to wear a dress I ought to make an effort to take her out for a meal, to do something special. I was excited.

 

The Tuesday before the Wednesday check-up I had visited as usual and we had what for me was a lovely time conversing (as you do when you visit someone!) and somewhere in the middle of our conversation Kate had said that she had only had cheese on toast for dinner because the cheese had been running towards its sell-by date. If it had been past its sell-by date it would have been running around the kitchen. I know, it has happened to me. Anyway, conscious and weary of the fact that I was fussing over her like a mother (because I already cared) I told her that she should eat more, and more regularly.

 

She was to go to hospital early on Wednesday morning because the doctors sort of worked on a first come first served basis. I came home from lectures that Wednesday at around two in the afternoon in happy anticipation of seeing Kate later that evening. She had said that she would come around after she got back from visiting her 79 year old Grandmother who lived near the accommodation, and whom Kate visited every Wednesday late afternoon for a proper meal, and probably some washing. Whilst accompanying one of my flat mates to campus, I passed one of Kate’s flat mates, who told me that I wouldn’t be seeing her later because her cold hadn’t cleared up and she had been readmitted to hospital.

 

So I went straight away to the hospital, to find out if what was, was bad. She was back in the same hospital, which was hard to reach from the University, so I asked one of my flat mates to give me a lift in his old car, which he did. When I arrived, once we arrived, after several wrong turns, I found admissions, after several wrong turns, and asked after Kate. They couldn’t find her on the computer- the person was lovely and helpful and the machine that she was working with was outdated, (as I soon found was typical of the NHS), and she suggested that I try the ward from which Kate had been discharged, which I did. I wasn’t sure if I was privileged, but when I arrived Kate was back on this ward, I was allowed to see her (the women who relayed this to me seemed to say with her eyes that this was against standard practice) and I went to her, and found her still unpacking.

 

It soon transpired from our conversation that Kate was suffering from a disease called Cystic Fibrosis (CF) which is a degenerative lung disorder.

 

 

Katest,

 

The latest few pages for you to cast your beady eye over. Again, some is difficult to read, some is incomprehensible and some is crap. The notes are in to remind me to expand on certain points. Kate, I’m looking forward very much to tonight.

 

Well I’d better get back to tidying my room!

 

Love, love and love

 

Simon

 

 

Kate,

 

Thanks for this morning’s return of post. As you left I felt really nervous and apprehensive as to the contents!

 

There’s always been in my life a conflict between spontaneity and thinking before speaking. If you are spontaneous you are funnier, but could say the wrong thing easier.

 

I’m attracted to your active mind and the answers you give to the things I say, and I’m attracted by your body language: the way your face and organs (!) move, and you’re very pretty and I get so much pleasure from getting to know you well.

 

I see your ‘refusals’ as difficult but an absolute challenge. I relish pain and rejection because I learn more from it than from contentment and success. It is like you say about CF, you are mentally a stronger person for it. I love CF as a part of you. It’s there and it’s a challenge, I wanted and want to find out about you. I love getting to know you.

 

As for the compromise between friends and more, this may come. As per yesterday I don’t feel the need to put a time span on it, let’s see how it goes. I can see that this may burden you as I get affectionate. I’ve put myself in your shoes and walked about a bit, and all relationships are about compromise, I’ll fight my attractions, I have ultimate control over my body and hormones, and if it is right for us both it will surely happen. For it to possibly happen all I ask is that you keep an open mind, review how you feel about me regularly and let it happen if you want it. I do.

 

Something else could have inhibited you in relationships if it wasn’t CF, you could be unwilling to commit yourself because of being hurt in the past or something. I hope that I haven’t laid too much stress upon CF, it doesn’t stop me from loving you. It would be the ultimate compliment if you felt you wanted to help me to understand more about your inner worries and doubts and I’ll try to listen and learn, because if I understand you and you me, then we can be more sensitive, more caring to the other person’s needs, and better therefore our relationship. I’ll keep smiling, and I suggest you so the same.

 

We, through contact, are going to get to know each other so much better, all this we’ve shared, and just the 5 minutes last night we communicated a misunderstanding (I not having shown you the book) and we are growing closer and closer together.

 

I don’t see at the moment why this can’t continue, through this term and next, in some and hopefully v. close way. I want it to. I love what you are and what you do for me. I’ll do anything that I can for you, and if I can’t I’ll keep trying until I can.

 

Friends, and not money, are my wealth.

 

I remain,

 

Simon

 

If it’s worth having, it’s worth working at.

 

 

 

SDB, 26/01/92

 

Kate

 

I’m sorry that your infection got worse. I’m sure that you’re a bit like me- sleepy- at the moment with antibiotics etc. I’m catching up on late nights, sleepless flight nights etc. Sleep is such a wonderful thing.

 

I’m working hard, but not really on anything interesting. I’ve got the wedding over this weekend which I sleepover Saturday night at, so sorry I won’t be able to visit. I’d be scared to anyway because when you’re ill in hospital isn’t the most conducive to us getting on brilliantly, it is hard to relax, talk etc.

 

Can you please ask your doctor about going on antibiotics in each holiday before you get ill. This combined with ensuring jumpers are taken and worn etc. could really help if you believe in it. It is important not just to go into hospital and get better and come out, but actually take steps to prolong a return. Call this the proactive stage. Ask.

 

Emma is very proud that she has been given real antibiotics (for adults) by the doctor for her ear infection! I hope growing up doesn’t do that to my mind!

 

I believe that I could be run over by a 25 tonne truck and survive (souls can’t be crushed). I’m sure that you’d be available to drive!!

 

Don’t write or ring until you feel like it.

 

I love you.

 

LOVE

 

Simon

 

 

27/01/92

 

SDB

 

Dearest Kate

 

The following struck me as quite relevant and true. The first verse basically says that relationships are not one way things, we’ve both got something because of it. The second does similar. The third says thank you for your attention and for improving me, because I’ve tried to be less heavy footed, more considerate etc. since we meet, as well as tidier! The last bit is say that you haven’t been doing this on purpose (i.e. slapping me around if I haven’t improved) but I’ve tried to rise to be your equal. I don’t know who said it all, I chopped and changed it a bit to make it more relevant and true.

 

Give a man a fish and help him for a day, teach a man how to fish and help him for a lifetime.

 

I remain

 

All the love in the world

 

Simon

 

I love you not only for what you are,

But for what I am when I’m with you.

 

I love you not only for what you have made of yourself,

But for what you are making of me.

 

I love you for putting your hand

Into my heaped up heart and

Passing over all the foolish

Weak things you can’t help

Dimly seeing there, and drawing

Out into the light all the good

Things that no one else has looked

Quite far enough to find

 

You have done it without intention

You have done it by being yourself

Perhaps that is what being a

Friend means.

 

 

SDB No ? Seed

The Center Court

The Tennis Court

Tues 4^th Feb 92

 

Katest

 

I hope that you had a good one at home and that the hospital goes/ went well. My room smells of dewberry so it is as if you haven’t been away! I’m glad to have you back in person though! The book is going well, I’m enjoying writing it and have found something to write about (see me!). Life in general is ace. I’ve got some ingredients for a meal for us Wednesday evening if this is still OK. Mail me as to your requirements. How about 17.45 for Wednesday? I have football in the afternoon and Japanese at 7pm, so this would be OK for me but I’m flexible if you can’t do this.

 

I think that it will be nice to have you back close because it will be easier for you to throw me out, come and see me for a bit etc., less artificial as you might say.

 

I haven’t had a letter from you but don’t worry too much about this. It is probably nice for you to have a bit of a complete break from me. I seem to be more relaxed and less intense these days. There is only so much self-dissatisfaction one can take, and I’ve drawn the line.

 

Things such as the ball, blind date, coursework, all this is gradually sorting itself out and life is good on the whole.

 

I’m off now to get back to my morning newspaper, my intellectual breakfast. I eat it with my pen and pencil and digest it with my mind.

 

Come see me.

 

Love and touchy feely stuff

 

I remain

 

Simon

 

Believe in that which you want so passionately that it becomes reality.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, try again.

 

The path is not a straight one.

 

Success is a journey, not a destination.

 

First impressions count, but always take a second look.

 

 

Kate

 

Hope it (life) is all OK. I won’t come up and see you tonight (promise!) but I want to see you so if you want to see me come on down! I don’t think that we are getting on badly at all apart from me coming up, when we are together we have fun. Exams are very personal, there’s nothing I can do or anyone else, it is down to you, so I understand your need to be alone and think, given the nice times we have if I give you the space you need then after the exams who knows! It has felt good this last week, I only want it to continue so I won’t come up more than we agree.

 

 I love you because you’re pretty, intelligent and attractive.

 

Love Simon

 

PS. Absence can’t make my heart grow any fonder!

 

 

13/02/92

 

Good times, but when she stops and thinks, deep down she does not fancy me and it is too easy to let it happen on the surface, rather than what’s deep down.

 

Fight it. Go up and see her and don’t touch her, and test yourself and overcome your attraction through strength of mind, and dazzle her with all you have, and work at Commerce.

 

I still feel that there is a chance. She seemed to have got a letter ready from her potential step dad to see, and I sense that she is trying to make a good impression. I asked her and she confirmed that the “But I could grow to fancy you at a later date” was to cushion the pain and keep affection which came about as a result of my attraction toward her because I’d done a lot for her.

 

And now tomorrow on Valentines Day she was to receive by way of a newsletter my Valentine’s message to her, written only yesterday, “If BR’s God’s way of making people slow down, as we gain speed, watch out for my bullet train!”. As we gain speed, that was written on a high and now I’m at a low.

 

I wonder if there is a reason for all this. I wonder why I tried so hard but couldn’t do it. I thought before that anything I wanted all that I had to do was fight for it, work hard for it, and I’d be rewarded.

 

Is she not the right girl for me because she doesn’t like me, or is she the right girl for me but I am the wrong man for her?

 

It is my optimism but mainly my ego which tells me not to give up. All this rejection hasn’t destroyed me completely. Even when you have nothing, you have hope. I’d rather walk further and get more satisfaction.

 

And I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know whether to go and see her tomorrow, to give her a Val. Card, to love her or to love her and leave her. We seem at times to be in perfect harmony, and then she thinks, has doubts. Do the good moments outweigh for her the hard moments of doubt?

 

 

14/Feb/92

 

Kate

 

By doing things for you,

I made the truth difficult to do,

You didn’t want to miss the next dance,

You don’t know whether to take a chance,

 

You could have easily just let yourself go,

But in your doubt you surely show,

That if with us there is a chance,

Then I can be your best dance.

 

I love you

 

?

 

 

Kate

 

Kate No 2’s phone number is 455-7860 so call me if you need to, or even want to! Thanks for tonight, I enjoyed it! After the Real Thing (!) fancying someone is not the same. We get more from a proper relationship.

 

Not only am I experimenting with an ‘effective treatment’ for CF, but I’m also planning on implementing a prototype “Global Pen_s” to replace a local nuclear power station: the only thing left to answer is my flat or yours!

 

I’ll be thinking of you, you can be certain of that.

 

Unconditional positive regard (Love!), I’ll be building up my passion again!

 

Love (possibly the best feeling and warmest state in the world!)

 

 

Kate

 

Just a wiggle swiggle to say please come down if you’re back before 6.45pm, I have Japanese at 7 as usual, if I don’t see you before I’ll come up at 9.07 pm or you come down.

 

Hope that all is well- either or any way I love you and am very happy with you as a person, and can I hope help with any problems.

 

I love the you

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB 3.26 a.m. 15/02/92

 

Dearest Kate (Katest?)

 

Yes, I’m still up! This is because there are about 15 guests in my flat! I’ve been thinking a lot about our situation and us. My lifelong philosophy bis darauf hin (until now) has been to talk about everything, communikate all my feelings and what’s inside. Now we have been through a lot together and said a lot to one another, and the next step is therefore harder to take because there is so much (more) to lose. Perhaps I say too much too soon.

 

Because I communicate with you, I ask you how you feel, what you think (…Pardon!), it is all too intense, and puts you under too much pressure to respond when you might not know how to.

 

This is a stand back to allow you time to discover for yourself how you feel. I don’t want to run the risk of alienating you by putting you under too much pressure, but on the other hand I don’t want to see you so little that you think that I don’t like you as much as I did. I love you more than ever and I want to be with you more than ever.

 

Please use some time to think about our love. I don’t know if you remember from my book the bit where I say that my trouble is I want an answer, sod whether it’s the right moment. Well last night I left your flat without us having come to any decisions about out future. Think about it: the body language between us is generally good. It is all the questions that have awkward answers that bring the problems.

 

If we didn’t have each other we would worry about being alone, and if we have it we worry about losing it. Judging by the nice moments, if we stopped worrying about what would happen if… and let it, whatever it may be, happen, it would be good.

 

I can live with not having a concrete timescale. If I said to you that I was leaving you alone for two days and then I’d be up for your conclusions, then I’d be putting you under pressure. As my presence is probably pressure, come down to see me on Saturday if you want to (I want you to!).

 

I sort of came up six times on Thursday because I think about you a lot, and because I want to speak to you and listen to you and understand you better. I want to understand you, so bear with my misunderstandings.

 

As my poem said, if you can get through and grow closer because of these tests then the relationship which follows will be so special because we’ve gone through a lot to get there, we’ve tried. Every trial, every problem brings us closer together, I see it as a hill, a steep climb, but once the ball is rolling over the hill things will be easier and it will gain momentum.

 

If you’ve got something to say please say it, if you’ve got something to give why don’t you give it to me? If you haven’t at this moment feel no pressure.

 

With you I only need a plain biscuit, because you are the chocolate topping. It is fun to have someone to be silly with.

 

I’ll come up again later and apologize for going up last time then go up a third time to reassure you that I won’t be coming up again!

 

Kate, I love you, and I’m trying (pain in the arse or working hard?)

 

Love, love, love

 

Simon

 

PS. I came out of my room at about 4.15 a.m. because I thought that I’d heard your voice in our flat!

 

 

24/02/92

 

Kate

 

Visits will be limited (as far as I can manage it!) to not within 2 hours of each other and not more than 3 times a night. This will be difficult for me. I think I visit you a lot now because I like you a lot, because I’m aware that I won’t be able to see you as often next year most probably, and because I got to know you better in hospital where I only saw you once a day, now is a luxury and I feel spoilt! Is this OK by you? I’d love for you to come down and see me if you want to see me more.

 

I’ll try to find the middle way as regards affection too. My intentions are primarily an interest in your mind, in our relationship I think mental exercise takes up far more time and is more important than physical exercise! Please when you need someone to hold, come to me, and when you need someone to listen, come to me and I will try!

 

I’m aware of my (passionate) intensity when with you and wish you to know that I can be relaxing to be with, and a good listener! (Wipe that “I don’t believe it” look off your face!).

 

I love you because your little gestures and comments delight me. You make me laugh and you’re joyous. I love all of your body’s curves and am sexually attracted to you. Knowing what a good lover you are doesn’t help. The best I’ve ever come across. I love you because I can have an intellectual and challenging conversation with you, which also make me laugh when we deliberately jest. There’s just a kinda specialness and rapport. I can feel it. I love the way I can be quiet and relaxed cuddling you and I’ve never met anybody with such a beautiful and defined face as yours. I don’t usually write all this sort of crap about a bloody women, but you’re a very special girlie!

 

I love you with all my heart (and a few other bits and bobs too (baby)) if you want them!

 

LOVE

 

Simon

 

“The Popcorn Report” is brilliant: it is optimistic, it believes in a better day. It believes in what WE believe in: money isn’t everything or much.

 

Love Simon

 

Caring and Sharing. Huddling and cuddling: people coming together for shared comfort and a sense of safety.

 

Edukate. Communikate. ReciproKate. Love.

 

Believe nothing if not two things: one: that good guys always win. And two: that we are the good guys.

 

 

SDB

26/02/92

 

Katest,

 

Someone told me that all men look handsome in dinner jackets, so armed with this I went into lectures in mine and in a pair of shorts (!), sure in my own mind that looking double-barreled handsome (and that’s ignoring my pen_s!!) I would cause quite an impression. I did, I said that I was doing it all for charity and raised 1.53!!

 

Dinner will be served by a suave, handsome young man (exaggeration: a little bit of bull goes a long, long way!) promptly at 8pm. I was worried that you would not know whether to take or have your pills. Kate I love you. Back to the pudding (sorry, desert).

 

Love Simon

 

Don’t just fight it, overcome it.

 

Reinvent yourself every couple of months. Set yourself new challenges. Never be satisfied, because if you think that you’ve had a good life then you’re ready to die.

 

Your soul controls your life. It is intangible and cannot be crushed. (I wouldn’t mind having a good look for your soul!!).

 

If it is neat, then it is cut and dried and dead.

 

The best lasts well.

 

Unrest is energizing.

 

No pain, no gain.

 

Life is short. Play hard.

 

Some of the ingredients in Coke’s secret formula are, apparently, aphrodisiacs.

 

Don’t put anything into boxes.

 

If it feels right, just do it.

 

You’re awesome.

 

Ride on the back of my horse.

 

 

27/02/92

 

Kate

 

Just a short note to wish you all the best for your clinical placement this morning. If they don’t need the replaced kidneys bring them back and we can have them for tea!

 

This weekend will be hard without you, I guess out of sight isn’t necessarily out of mind!

 

Friends are complimentary contrasts: contrasts that work.

 

Love gives you so many emotions.

 

Until you like yourself, you can’t expect others to like you, but another liking me would help me to like myself through more confidence. I guess you liking me would help give me greater self-esteem: you seemed annoyed about your Dad’s low esteem and this may be true for me as well. So love me differently.

 

If we only knew what love is, we could run towards it, or away from it (depending on the situation).

 

To know yourself makes you realize what cannot and should not be changed: first know yourself.

 

Every time we do meet, our love for each other becomes more complete.

 

Kate, my love and thoughts are yours.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

(The king of wishful thinking!).

 

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday, and all is well.

 

When life is hard and seems unfair, I’ll be at your side to show I care.

 

When times are tough and people rough

Our togetherness will be enough.

 

Love differently and be loved. Everybody dance now.

 

Flasher bullet head

 

 

12/03/92

 

Kate

 

This morning I’ve got 6 layers on, it is very cold outside and the wind is blowing! Please therefore wear a coat. There will be severe slaps for anyone who turns up after lectures at 11 with no coat on!

 

MJ [Michael Jackson] said that all you need is the will to want it and a little self-esteem. You have the first yourself, I’m giving you the second, because you’re beautiful, intelligent and downright sexy. Believe it, else why would I love you?

 

With inner and outer love, love and love

 

Simon

 

One life. One chance. Let’s work together. 1+1= 3.5 (for us!).

 

 

13/03/92

 

Kate

 

I can quite understand you wanting to be alone in the early morning. If we don’t go together we won’t have to get up for 8, and it is therefore more flexible.

 

I’ll get up and read, or even work (!): my dad said that my grades were slipping (I passed all my exams) and he’s right. I want to be outstanding, not just scrape through.

 

I never quite know where I’ll be with you. It is nice in a way, it keeps life interesting, you are elusive but obtainable, a ‘perpetual series of occasions for hope’.

 

I can see your uncertainties about the depth of your feelings towards me causing changes in decisions (shopping/ holiday etc.) and can quite relate to this.

 

If time by yourself to think, and perhaps even think about us, would help you to come nearer to understanding your feelings, then it is in both of our interests.

 

Sorry about all this waffle, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable but by ‘wandering’ I am making you feel bad. I know this, and would rather we stayed relaxed and comfortable than have you be uncomfortable. I wander and wander because I’m attracted to you very strongly, and because I don’t know (because you don’t know) if you want it, so at least by wandering I’m giving you the chance!

 

The uncomfortability has I think however decreased. How likely did you think it was that we would be so relaxed together when in hospital? This is yet another reason why I like you, I feel more relaxed with you than I do with any other, and when we are together the world outside can just get on with it.

 

I can step back from general life, relax and de-stress! In this way, you save my life. And I try to make you feel happy and loved and special and positive. And in this way I try to save your life.

 

Love, love, love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB Newbury

13^th March

 

Dearest Kate

 

I’m beginning this just after our third telephone conversation of the day (so far!). This is a new policy, by writing bits of the letter over the day I am hoping to miss you less by doing something towards our relationship (writing!). I’m going to try and stop calling you so often, especially on our home phone: a few little calls will mount up!

 

Today’s work has become a 20 min on, 20 min off session, I’ve been around to see my parents at work, recorded a couple of songs for your next tape (hope you liked the one that you should get tomorrow when I’m writing this and yesterday when you’re reading this!).

 

Dad told me about one of his business associates, who has just gone bankrupt, but has re-opened his business (the same one) with all debts written off. The security with the bank was the family house, which him and his wife agreed on. 3 weeks after the business opened he left his wife who is now homeless with their kids. He’s moved in to his girlfriend’s bungalow. To get local council housing she must sit in her repossessed house until the bailiffs evict her, and then she gets B&B for two years. He can’t be a director of a company when he is a declared bankrupt, so his girlfriend is the new director. This stinks of course, but it is unlikely that a bankrupt would be able to get a job (especially at present) and he’s got no losses and can start again.

 

I’d better get back to the Economics, I’d written in my lecture notes: “injections of demand”- here commerce and medicine meet! This lecture was a couple of months back, and our love has deepened further since. It is good to hear that you are sure of my commitment to you, this hopefully gives you the chance to trust in me and expose more of yourself, assured that I’m around to stay. As time goes by and our commitment becomes still more obvious I can envisage us opening up to one another more and more, we’ll develop something I hope that we won’t be able to get from others, an understanding of each other which takes time to develop with others. I already feel you understand me well, for example, why I don’t want to live in the TC despite the advantages, which I don’t get from anyone else, friends here, family, friends at uni. It is one of the reasons why I love you!

 

This 20 minutes is up, I’ll carry on a bit later!

 

Sharing our problems doesn’t put me off you, it makes me love you more, I feel closer, more needed, and can understand you better and be a better boyfriend to you.

 

I’ve just been learning about the functions of money, which are remarkably similar to those of condoms: a medium of exchange and a precautionary motive!! Sorry this is a pneumonic: aid to memory!

 

I’m reading “The Silent World of Nicolas Quinn”, a Morse mystery. It didn’t seem to take me very long to read, it is Thursday morning 8 a.m. and I finished it at midnight after studying quite hard in the afternoon and early evening before going to the pub with my brother, Goonboy, Jim Bean etc. It was very nice seeing them throw matchboxes at girls and then go and get them etc. but sadly lacking in anything substantial: ‘conversation’ was about Dutch live sex shows and anecdotes of my friend’s father who is a Doctor. This may sound promising but the stories involved varying degrees of disrespect for one’s body. I continued with this pettifogging for some little time, put 20p in the fruit machine on the way out and won 4.80 GBP, came home, filled up with high energy foods as per the advice of the article I sent to your mum, ran, showered, read and bedded.

 

Someone up there seems to like me (why the bloody hell can’t he come down here and be my friend!?): I found a 1 pound coin between my seat on the coach from Brum to Oxford which was my bus fare to my Nan’s house, won jackpot etc.

 

Our phone is sometime unplugged because we keep getting anonymous phone calls at 1 am or midnight. I’m oblivious to it all with my earplugs in (!) but the phone’s right next to my parent’s bed so they are not. My brother hastened the end of this ‘silly game’ by hurling abuse at the silent caller.

 

Sometimes I am lonely and scared, but when there are people around, I need my independence. But I need more of the former than you need the later!

 

I’m up v. early as I have a friend coming around at 10 a.m. and the post goes then, so I’m writing it to get it off to you.

 

I’ve just got your letter. Wait, please! It is really nice! I didn’t realize you recycled bits of paper because of me etc. I guess that we have quite an influence over each other. If your mum bought a fluorescent pink skirt (says he carefully copying your spelling of fluorescent!) there wouldn’t be any danger of danger ahead: it would all be diverted! I’m sort of sitting here reading your letter and commenting! I hope that you’ll at least listen to my tape despite the fact that it is in the main modern music!

 

Talking of influence, you said about recycling, I can say that I left the song title notes in because I was thinking, it’s a little touch which (hopefully) means a lot, and it’s the sort of thing that you do. We’ve got a lovely relationship. Our relationship is quite remarkable upon reflection, we gain (I gain!) much pleasure slagging off the opposite sex (You!) and you seem to manage adequately doing the same to me! I guess that means we’re confident in our roles enough to slag the other off, and this hepicklish quideling keeps us both amused and our relationship frothing along nicely. The fact that we both give as good as we get indicates our compatibility through equality. There’s a brilliant film called ‘War of the Roses’ which we really ought to see!

 

Now I’ve received your letter I’ll be singing all day long (my poor family!). I’m off to post this crap, I’ve found a mildly 60ish album which I love, so I’ve recorded it for you and here it comes! Kate, I do love you.

 

Write again soon, and don’t let Sarah corrupt your mind about menfolk if she’s having trouble with hers: we’re a bloody marvelous invention!

 

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Good: we BOTH should be OK!

 

I love you more than ever, more than ever before, and forever.

 

Full figure belly lock- ow that hurts!

 

Love Simon 

 

 

Kate

 

I hope that I didn’t keep you up last night, your light seemed to go off pretty soon after I left (I was walking past to collect some seat plans!).

 

The very best of luck with the Expose as the French would say (please don’t take your clothes off in front of them!).

 

I’m trying to let my soul regulate my decisions and not necessarily my brain (if you had a brain like mine you’d do the same!).

 

Soul and heart-felt Love

 

Simon

 

Remember: follow life to where it is going, not where it is or where it is been.

 

Test out the theory that nothing is impossible. It can be done. Do more than is necessary. If you can hang in there, you’re flying.

 

Have a wonderful day. Don’t be left with the prospect of coming home and saying it had the prospect of being a good day. Make it happen.

 

 

13/03/92

(Friday)

SDB

2am

 

Dearest Kate,

 

Here I am at 2 a.m. on Friday 13^th writing an essay! Still it is quiet all around and the birds can be heard to be singing!

 

The future is of course unpredictable, which makes it exciting. All that we can do is prepare the things that we want as best as we can, and hope that fate and nature do the rest. A vision of the future in which we are together as a couple is not merely a dream. It can become reality because there is now a good base between and under us upon which to build, and there are I think more opportunities to be taken than problems to be tackled. There are certainly more good times in our relationship than there are bad.

 

As every farmer knows, you cannot take out more than you put in over the long run. Or, to put it more elegantly, “You should lead your life as though you will die tomorrow, but plan as though you will live forever.”

 

Because I’m in love

 

Simon

 

 

Kate

 

Always, through good times or bad, I’m around. I’ll stick by you for as long as you want me and I won’t ever let you down for long. I don’t know what the future brings for us, but I know that I want to find it out by your side, and I’m kinda sure that if we face it together then we can make it better. I’ll do anything for you Kate, because your glorious personality pleasures me, your beautiful body arouses me and your intellect delights me. Whatever problems you cause like your never ending rolled oats are far outweighed by these. That’s why you’re worth having! Have me any way you can and want.

 

I love you.

 

Simon

 

 

SDB

Newbury

Wednesday 15^th March 1992

 

Dear passionate bitch

 

Well you are Kate aren’t you (real life facts cannot be disputed!). Thanks for your lovely letter which I received just a moment ago. It was ‘v. sweet’! My heart feels a little less empty, but I’m a bit tired, knowing the letter I’ve been waiting for from the postman for a while has now arrived. Ow well roll on next week when I get (perhaps) another letter!

 

I could tell at the time when I asked where your bedroom was that your Grandmother was being very astute in saying “Kate, show Simon the antique furniture next door and take him on a tour of the house”! Wise girlie your Grandmother!

 

My Grandparent’s amuse me to the extreme! My Nan needs to know every detail about everything. She and my Granddad ‘grilled’ my brother about Rachel, his girlfriend. Rumor got out (whoops I shouldn’t have said anything!) that her Dad is religious and goes to church (ow dear, ow dear, ow dear: so what?), and so every time my Nan says her name (Rachel) she crosses herself! And all my Grandfather meanwhile can say is “Is she on the pill yet, Racquel?!!!!”

 

I live in fear of one of their sessions! One of my friends went over to my nans and she plied him with diet Coke (Ahhh! Just the very thought of it!) and biscuits. This reminds me of you ‘seducing’ your Grandfather with those ‘cakes’ (vague term used to denote your damsels in distress!) to elicit (nice word) more information.

 

I spoke to my friends, and I’ll write to Hereford with all this news tomorrow. I don’t know, I can hardly keep up with your movements! I take it a visit between Monday 6^th to later that week is OK, you didn’t directly say so but by giving me the price of trains (cheap, I thought!) you subconsciously hinted at your agreement with this proposal.

 

Meanwhile me family are calling me ‘tiger’ (there’s no off switch on a tiger!) and much work (on a new subject!) needs to be done, but will be done.

 

Thanks again for first of all (notice!) your lovely letters, I guess because we see each other normally so often and because we can see each other when we want (well sort of!) it is harder to be apart.

 

I love you Kate, from the soul.

 

Love Simon

 

Full frontal embrace, guess what that means.

 

The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak becomes a steeping stone in the pathway of the strong.

 

 

16/03/92

 

Kate

 

Just to reiterate (is that correct?!) the fact that I’m sorry about my role overlap between ‘best friend’ and ‘lover’ for want of better words (you know me, the right words are often missing!). I recognize this and will change it for the future, and you understand that I don’t do it on purpose which is nice to know.

 

Our relationship is strong, and growing stronger.

 

Life is good so as long as winter is followed by spring and then summer. Our winter was the first few weeks (adjustment time!), we are now in our spring (see, for example, your daisy) and have the summer to look forward to.

 

We are for one another there to share.

 

Love, kisses and slaps

 

Simon

 

 

SDB Newbury

Monday 23^rd March 91

 

Dearest Kate

 

Here I am, home again after home again giggety gig! My father arrived at the TC as soon as I did (16.20) and together we shifted the Coke cans etc. carwards.

 

It is 8.09 a.m. Monday and I’ve just this second got up. I’ve allocated today to faffing around, finishing unpacking, seeing people, and then I’ll start work this evening. I can see me passing my seven exams if I work hard this Easter, which I intend to.

 

I’ve got this sort of empty semi-vibrating area just where I think my heart probably is. I’ve busied myself though and know that I’ll see you again soon! Actually if it is OK I’ll plan to come up Monday 6^th April, and stay until Thursday/ Friday, or for however long you can put up with me! Mum says that postal votes arrive a good week before the election so I’ll either bring it up with me or my parents can send it up to Hereford. How much did it cost to get home from New Street Station when you went back after hospital? I’ll be at the TC for the weekend before I plan to visit you, and on the Wednesday, Thursday, Friday all going well I’m going to see one of my two best Newbury mates at his poly in Bournemouth, and then his Dad’s bringing us back to Newbury.

 

It is nice to be home. Poor old mum has already bourn the shock of several embraces. Indeed, she was close to breakdown after 4 weeks at Xmas, I hope the 5^th week doesn’t tip the scales! Perhaps I’ll do her a tagliatelli, or perhaps I’d better not!

 

My dad and I had our usual ‘teasing abuse’ on the way back. This means he criticizes me and vice versa. He worries when he gets up in the mornings about reading my ‘crap’, 2 pages, of ‘what’s needed’ and 3 pages of ‘crap’!! He thinks I’m an emotional wreck: all emotion and no sense. At this point I slapped him (although I didn’t call him a cheeky bitch, this particular phrase I reserve for the abuse of you!). It’s quite obvious however that we love one another, and he’s proud of me, which is nice.

 

I guess I’ll sign off here, it can with me occur that I give too much too soon, so I won’t write a(nother) novel here, I’ll just write a little often and hope that you do the same.

 

Kate, thanks for last term, thanks for all that you taught me and all the ways I improved because I had to ‘seduce’ you! Hopefully, I’ve risen to your levels rather than dragged you down to mine! I love you, that is the sincere truth. You can’t (much as you’d probably like to!) dispute that. I love you.

 

Simon

 

 

SDB Newbury

24/03/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

If home was where the heart is, I’d be at your Grans giving you a full frontal embrace!

 

I’ve just got back from having rung you, and in the best American tradition “It was good to hear your voice”! Tell me, has it finally broken, it sounded different on the phone. (Gosh, I must be warming up!). My life at the moment can accurately be described as hell in heaven. Newbury, its people, my family and friends and its green areas are lovely and wonderful, on the other hand, I miss you terribly (for independent unbiased confirmation of this phenomenon ask my parents, they’ve heard me talk about it!).

 

Yesterday I sorted my life out a bit, getting the small things done in the morning, such as sorting out my eau de cologne for memory recall etc (!) then I began uni work which has continued today (not bad, it is just a shame about the quality and quantity!).

 

This morning I went to see my old doctor about my arm. He gave me completely contradictory and opposite (do they mean the same?- you know what I’m like with long words!) advice to Brum, and told me to exercise it fully rather than rest it to get the muscles working and the blood circulating! So I’ve got some exercises to do (if only you could see me lying on my front rotating my head to exercise my neck then I’m sure that you’d say “Ow dear”!). Swimming etc. should alleviate the stiffness in my body which came about from a lack of use and was never present before. He said that all physios did was move for you the muscles you couldn’t be bothered to move yourself! By the way, asymmetrical means lop-sided! I don’t know, these bloody doctors, absolutely useless!

 

I’ll sign off here, with much to say tomorrow! I’ll send your letter to the Tennis Court for you to pick up Thursday. I love you, and I very much wish that you were here.

 

Love, love, hugs, kisses, full frontals etc.

 

Love Simon

 

 

SDB Newbury

26^th March 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

The election campaign is warming up. Labour, after winning by far the first week of electioneering are slipping with their health parliamentary broadcast. Meanwhile in Newbury the Conservative candidate has been given the largest financial support for any constituency, and the LibDems are expecting the biggest swing to them of any constituency in the country. Our MP for the past 12 years has retired and the new one has been political advisor to John Major, specialist advisor to the Chancellor, educated in Economics at Cambridge etc. She was chosen by John Major to take on this key constituency. Meanwhile, Labour (here at least) are nowhere. Everyone in Newbury is getting personal letters not circulars: my father’s related to his disappointment with the C’s business policy.

 

Meanwhile a Tree Preservation Order has been served on a tree in our back garden (The Beech I was talking about at your Grans) because it is ‘expedient in the interest of amenity. The tree forms a ‘pleasing feature in the locality and its retention is essential to preserve the visual appearance of the surrounding area.” I said to my mother that they ought to serve one on her for the same reasons!

 

My Dad and I continue to playfully slap one another. He looked at my Ball etc. photos and took the mickey out of all my friends, denouncing half of them as foreigners (I tried to explain that there’s someone from every nation at our uni, he replied “Yes, but why do they all have to come to your flat?”)! The other half were all categorized as gormless (and here’s one of my best friends: Ow he’s a pratt!). My father can at least understand that to get on with me, my best friends must be idiots. What that says about you, I don’t know!

 

Both my brother and father were disappointed about not seeing a photo of you: whilst I was sitting on my bed my brother asked me how tall you were, I pointed to just above my chin, and he thought you were a midget because I was sitting down! (Do you understand this? “It is very difficult” says my Japanese teacher!). Upon finishing describing you to them my brother said that if you were as good as my description you wouldn’t be seen dead with me, my dad said “Yes, and you’ve forgotten the birthmark covering her face!”.

 

If revision wasn’t so boring I wouldn’t think about you so much! Settle down in Hereford now will you and stop confusing me! I’m managing to live without you by reading your past notes and letters, the book, the CF stuff, writing to you, phoning you etc. and it isn’t getting any easier as time goes by! I’m sure that I’ll draw the line sometime, I’ll have to, still if you miss me a lot, or more than you expected then that’s good, this ‘enforced separation’ came at a time when our relationship was strong and good and growing, and we can step back, see how lucky we are, miss one another lots and appreciate each other even more in the future!

 

I love you more than I have ever loved another.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

PS. I can’t wait for next week and your next letter.

 

 

SDB

27 March 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

It was really nice of you to call last night, especially as I know you ‘hate’ talking on the phone!

 

Last night was the first time that I have ventured out far since returning home. I have a week away starting next Wednesday but have mainly been revising and reading and tidying-up etc here! I’ve been exercising: jogging, swimming etc. and this along with the WD40 (!) has de-stiffened me somewhat! I feel better toning my body up!! I’ve already lost a few pounds, but I don’t know if this is possible, it could only be water!

 

One of my friends has got engaged this last term. I’ve analyzed her (as one does in such situations!) and it seems, although this is unconfirmed, that she misses her family life and her ‘man’ lives right near her poly, so she’s sort of got engaged to ‘join’ his family (silly cow!). I guess we want each other more because we haven’t got our families and it is nice to have someone to love.

 

My friend and I have been in touch (not literally I hope you realize!) and he continues to look up to me as his mentor and come to me with any sexual problems he has!! Anyway, I asked him if he sees a lot of his girlfriend and he replied: “Yes all of her”! He and her have agreed that she should go on the pill, buts she’s worried (which worried him, which worried me!) about how going on the pill affects periods. Kate, what is the effect???

 

The clocks go forward on Sunday (meaning we’re an hour closer to seeing one another again!). I might put my clock forward a week!

 

Dad annoys me off by getting all my quotes wrong! ‘It gets worse and then it will get better again’ and such like!

 

Kate, I love you, and I think that you must be the right one for me: you’re the first person I’ve ever met who can understand my accent AND my handwriting! I can see our relationship lasting because we are also best friends who fall out less often than lovers. We are very lucky, for we have passion (as lovers) AND compassion (as best friends). More love than yesterday.

 

Love

Simon

 

PS. Forget me not (chance would be a fine thing!)

 

 

Kate

 

Absence makes the heart go more absent!

 

I couldn’t pass your condolences onto my mother, she’s still not back from the rehabilitation center (she suffocated after a full frontal headlock!).

 

Damn, I wish the days would pass.

 

Love Simon

 

PS. Love this keyring, I did and do, and it and the eau de cologne on it got me through my A-level exams. (Every time I didn’t know an answer I sniffed my hand and licked my keyring!!).

 

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared with what lies within us.

 

SDB

 

 

Sat 28/03/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Huge thanks for your letter, I was gagging for one!

 

My poor long (18 years) suffering mother is dreading Mothering Sunday (I’m looking forward to it!). What she doesn’t need right now is more pampering!! ‘Shut up’ said mother. ‘Careful you don’t burn your tootsies’ said I after dropped the kettle and spilled hot water. ‘I suppose you know all about downaging, with skin so soft and looks so young’. (Once a flousy, always a flousy!). Mother, turned sideways, eases her way wearily out of the bombhit roomzone. Ow dear. No Kate don’t get excited, this isn’t a scene from one of your romantic novels! It’s an accurate reflection of events at home!

 

I’m glad that you enjoyed ‘amassing’ me over the last term. My Dad and I also had loading up troubles: assorted Coke cans which I’d amassed over the term etc.! He wasn’t so lovely about it! Especially as he had to carry it all over because of my arm (I supervised!) which is now fine. The weight I’ve lost through exercise (we’ll have to think of some ways to get my blood circulating!!) has been negated as the passion inside me has filled my blood, and body is now storing the excess as fat (no, it is not storing it there, there’s some process which gets it there!). Well that’s enough of me trying to appeal to you with my detailed medical analysis, I only hope that as a potential pathologist you’re ultimate (and it would be!) fantasy isn’t to batter me with your scalpel. I’m willing to do nearly anything to please you, but that’s taking things to an extreme!

 

The ‘sudden and unexpected change of venues’ in your letter: transfer to the spare room bed (keep off that bloody bed, its mine!). Was this line a subtle hint (says he hopefully) seeing as I’ll be there?! I expect you’ll be trying the ‘the cat peed on my bed’ routine next week (if you don’t think of using it, I certainly will!). I’ll be cool about it (come on in baby!). Your hormones seem to be up! I recommend that you keep them up until I get up once I’ve got up.

 

It’s a pity that it isn’t as easy to win girlies over as it is cats. Once you women have fled after seeing me I could fetch you a piece of meat and all would be well!

 

Just the small things which make you what you are make me love you even more. Like signing the back of the photo. You probably didn’t give it a second thought, but I admire the people who go the extra mile where it is never crowded, so the extras which take up little time but mean a lot.

 

I love you one hell of a lot Kate

 

Simon

 

PS. I love your letters (when they arrive!)

 

 

 

SDB

Monday 30^th March 92

 

Dearest of all, Kate

 

I feel as though I’m head over heels in love with you. Despite the main reason for your phone call last night I feel so very good about our relationship, I hope that you do too. I’ll try to stop being so intensive, the love that I feel for you makes me willing to do anything I can to make you happy.

 

My 2 year cousin Emily was at my Grans yesterday. She, like Bronwen (correct spelling?!) is gorgeous. Anyway, she’s at that ‘inquisitive, naughty’ stage, fascinated by knobs and switches! Last week she switched on a gas ring and burnt herself, she didn’t want her pot emptied, and she put her hands down the toilet to wash them! Anyway, my Nan reckons she’s got to ‘that age’: she’s always liked men before now! She seems to be shy around them now, she wouldn’t give me a cuddle! Still, we did have one thing in common, our clumsiness: she fell over about 9 times an hour! Armed with this, I familiarized myself to her (my aunt picked her up so that she couldn’t run away!) and by the end of the day she wasn’t scared anymore and even gave me a goodbye kiss! Ow, I love children!!

 

“Morning Sweetheart, how are you today?”. Not very well. What’s wrong darling? Sore throat, I should just keep away. I’ll look after you. You’ve done so much for me. I’ll nurse you. Simon I’ve got a headache as well. Ow baby. I ache from head to foot. Didn’t you hear: KEEP AWAY.” You’re right of course we are cruel to Mum. But I love her a hell of a lot, and she knows it.

 

5 fish in my Grandfather’s pond have died. The frogs squeezed them to death during the mating season because they think they’re mates! Green frogs mistaking gold fish for mates: or is it just their hormones?! We’d better watch out with our full frontals!

 

Kate, I’m confused, apparently they use ultrasounds for pregnancy checking: does that mean my left arm’s pregnant? (Reply quickly for I think I’m 2 months pregnant!).

 

My Granddad is 65 on April 28th and retires then. Apparently girlies retire at 60. I don’t know, you women, you do less work during your working life, and then retire earlier!

 

Following your advice about the full frontals, I went to the local casualty dept, showed them your letter explaining that you were training to be a doctor. The nurse asked me where abouts on my body I was sticking out, and I wasn’t having any of that so I slapped her with citizen’s charter!

 

Anyway, I’m going to post this and, then it is straight back to bed! I didn’t sleep much last night, I just want to be with you.

 

Love

 

Simon Dave

 

PS. 3.5 – 1 = 0.5.

 

 

SDB Newbury

31 March 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Many thanks for our wonderful relationship and for your lovely letter which I received this morning.

 

You seem- and have seemed- to be reluctant to allow me and perhaps anyone else outside your family to get close and influence you. If I ask myself do I get more from our relationship than I lose through loss of independence, occasional constraints as to needing to let the other person know what I’m doing etc. then the pluses far outweigh the minuses. Sure it’s a risk letting yourself love: the more you lose when it ends but I’ll do everything that I can to prevent this, and if I think about it I see a very strong relationship which has overcome problems. If it wasn’t worthwhile we wouldn’t have bothered to solve our problems. So I guess that if you love, you should take time to choose nice people to love, because they are less likely to let you down.

 

This is my first proper relationship, and my first relationship since I realized that helping others helps yourself. It is the first relationship which I haven’t only been in it for myself, but get more from it because I get a hell of a lot from you. To see you happy Kate makes me happy, and I’ll do what I can to see you smile and feel good (and you do when you’re with me) and, in the words of the postcard “the smile that you give out always comes back to you”. (I do listen to what you say, sometimes!!). I love you Kate.

 

Well now I’ll try to say something which cheers you up! I think that I am having an influence on you judging by your proposed strip on a BR train, and your detailed analogy of how rabbits gain ‘sexual gratification’ (whatever those long words mean!). I don’t know what the ‘appropriate’ level of touchy-feely is between two people who love each other deeply, I’d imagine though that your further instructions may inform me, although spontaneity (sorry chief spelling corrector) is of course a very important concept.

 

There’s a fight going on between my memory stimulating eau de cologne and your dewberry perfume oil. You’re winning as usual!! I might just switch to dewberry and then when I’m down to see you all I have to do when I’m giving you a full frontal (if this is allowed in your guidelines!) is sniff you and back will come the joys of ‘volenti non fit injuria’ (‘No wrong is done to one who consents’!)

 

Mum’s taken her mint green pixie mushroom jumper back, when asked how she feels this morning her reply is ‘surviving’! Still I gave her some praise for having got my undies clean so quickly so I should be alright!

 

From Wednesday evening to around midday Saturday I’ll be in Bournemouth contactable via:

 

Simon SDB McGoun

Mount Hotel

4 Knole Road

Boscombe

Bournemouth

BH1 4DQ

0202-196788

 

I will of course continue to write and call me if you need or want me, and I’ll call and we’ll see each other and we’ll love the time that we spend together because we love each other.

 

Love

Simon

 

PS. I’m saving my plans to change the world for when you’ve got less on your mind and can cope easier!

 

PPS. I don’t know about you, but I feel very good and happy and relaxed with you. Write soon.

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Wed 1^st April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I can’t at this particular moment in time think of an April Fool, expect of course myself! But you say that I’m a fool all year round!

 

Although I’m not with you and am not there to help you on the spot with your problems, I know that at least I’ll be around for any future problems, and you’ll be there for me. We seem to grow when we are together and grow when we are apart, because I love you more than ever.

 

What we have in our relationship is intimate, we spend much time together as a couple. With friends we spend time together of course, but usually with others around. In an intimate and special relationship if you are touching and feeling and such like, you are closer, more personal, and more open and more accountable. You need to consider the needs and wants of your partner. You need to care more, and are less sheltered by other people’s interruptions and interjections. This is what makes relationships special, they push you to give and care and love, and it’s the best feeling to come and share so much with someone, even if because of the increased effort. It is quite hard work which is challenging.

 

You continue to predominate in my thoughts. The next few days will just go faster because I’ll be doing things. I look forward to being with you (it feels right, even on the phone, I think we’ve got a good understanding, and it will of course improve with time!).

 

By the way empirical studies have shown that birth rates are higher in colder houses (it just goes to show you, my theory of love as an energy source is not such a load of old crap: or ‘drivel and codswallop’ as my Dad would say!).

 

I hope that you get the next few days (Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun) to have the time you need to collect your thoughts.

 

The revision isn’t going well or badly. It is just going, as usual taking more time than I expected. I had hoped to have a few days off, but I’ll try to do some over the next week, I have been revising Quantitative Methods for Business and in terms of our relationship I reckon that we are closely correlated with a very strong positive linear correlation! This can clearly been seen from your scatterplot! (ow dear, I hear you say!).

 

The Jehovah witnesses (ops, sorry!) have been around again. He said: ‘I don’t usually tell people this’ (well I must be some sort of Messiah because you’ve told me twice!). I said “Didn’t you see the sign: no political canvassing!”

 

Is there a lock on your door (?) to avoid embarrassment to your mum (!). On the one hand a lock could be quite good, on the other hand it could work against me: I can see you locking me out!

 

I love you one hell of a bloody lot (to coin a phrase!). Thinking of you.

 

Love Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Wed 1^st April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

This letter is written at 3.30 p.m. Wednesday afternoon, because I was worried that I wouldn’t have time to write and post your letter for Friday (this letter!) in time. I called your Grandmothers earlier on, and you’d already left, I don’t think but don’t know if I’ll be able to call tonight, by the time you read this you’ll probably know!

 

Today I’ve got up, written your letter, posted it and stopped for breakfast at McDonalds on the way back, studied a bit, been reading ‘M’: an American men’s ‘GQ’ type magazine and “Comeback”: Dick Francis’ latest. This is lighter reading than my usual ‘management experiences’ stuff, unfortunately this fact makes me read it for longer! Earlier I just called to say I love you. I may lend your Grandmother ‘Comeback’ if I read it quickly, and if I remember (I’ve made a mental note of it, which as you know my mental capacity is probably insufficient!).

 

I guess one could describe my current mood as mellow, I’m quite content and happy but not overrun by energy, I still haven’t caught up on my sleep from last term, and I doubt that I will for a few days!

 

I suppose that what you’ve done for me is fill my ‘girlfriend gap’. By making me accountable and unprotecting my weaknesses and imperfections from behind superficial relationships (Hello with friends) you’ve improved me! I get more from my relationship with you because of our intimacy, and because of the fact that I don’t run around like a headless chicken (all of the time!) with you like I do with others. Now these imperfections etc. have been exposed and I’ve gone through the difficult process of improving. I feel better and more relaxed, which may explain the more secure and relaxed atmosphere I find in our relationship, and I hope you find too.

 

It was strange to read but apparently testosterone (which ‘makes a boy a man and keeps both from becoming a women’: thanks a lot Mr. Terone!) levels are 50% higher in the morning than the evening. Thinking about this, this passion we feel in the evenings is because of love and desire and not our hormones?!! Anyway I’m glad to have testosterone if it stops me degenerating into a women! And women only have around 1/10^th of the amount that men have so I conclude (!) that you feel very passionately about me!!

 

It is nice that you’re not a ‘Yes’ women, agreeing with all that I say. Challenging and being challenged keeps life interesting and dangerous (in terms of dodging slaps!). I hope that you feel the same. All this weak women stuff is of course in jest: subconsciously perhaps I feel the need to appear to domiKate, apparently women would like men to be like women except when they need them to be men. I agree with this (see my ‘caring but strong’ nature!!).

 

Kate, what’s your advice to me when trying to improve (further) my body?! I reckon that we could fit all the parts together in a different way, for example, incorporate a giraffe’s neck into humans to encourage them to be less scared of the future because they can see over the next mountain (the uncertainty of future excites and challenges). Sorry, I’ve sidetracked! (Good, who wants to dig around in a predefined (and thus safe) area!).

 

Well with that I think I’ll go and masticate (chomp!) on the rolls that I forgot to eat at lunch! Dad taught me this word and I’ve been itching to show off my expanded vocabulary! I think Mum will be glad of the break from me. I haven’t asked her, but perhaps it would explain the bloody awful corned beef in my rolls and no beetroot. Ra Ra!

 

I look forward to lots of knickerbocker horneys and triple jambons!!! One huge foregoneous zone!

 

Love (not as ever: more)

 

Simon

 

PS. Smile: you’re in love (you ARE!)

 

 

Kate

 

Sorry! I forgot the bloody questionnaire!

 

Love Simon

 

PS. The world doesn’t spin on an axis!

 

Name: Simon David Buckingham

Date of Completion: 03/04/92

What single thing would improve the quality of your life? Sleep

What could you least do without? People

What could you easily do without? Noise

What do you consider the most under-rated virtue? Ability to say to the outside how you feel on the inside.

What do you consider the most over-rated? Looks: but I would say that!

What makes you most depressed? Seeing people need alcohol/ drugs for confidence to talk to people.

At what times are you glad to be alive? All.

What keeps you awake at night? A good women!!

What is your idea of perfect happiness? A uni in Newbury with the same Brum people I know. (The best of both my worlds).

What is your greatest fear? Lacking of something when it is needed!

What is your greatest hope? Enter business, change it to make it more moral, leave to save the world.

What is the trait you most dislike in yourself? Think too much, read between the lines too often.

On what occasions do you lie? Never (“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything”) could consider withholding info. if it saved distress.

What is your greatest regret? None.

What moments have become your favorite memories? School/ Uni/ Friends/ Holidays/ Family/ Work: Everything that I can remember.

What personage (living or dead) do you most admire? Robert W. Woodruff: Built Coke from a soft drink with vegetable extracts into the Real Thing.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Passion/ pen_s/ Oh Oh Ra Ra/ bloody/ cheeky bitch/ lovely jubbly/ sorry!

What would your motto be? Friends, and not money, are my wealth.

Which talent would you like to possess? Ability to recognize sarcasm i.e. interpret whether people are genuine in their invitations to me!

In which things do you find inspiration? Life, Coca-Cola, friends, ethical businessmen, sense of humor and ideas.

Where do you find peace? Earplugs, Coke and you.

Where do you see your life heading? Top management: anywhere where I can make a make a difference.

 

 

SDB, Bournemouth

Thursday, 10.20 a.m.

 

Dearest Kate

 

Hello! I’m at Rob (a friend’s) house. Rob has a mortgage and 3 lodgers including the friend I’m staying with’s brother. We’ve been into a “Systems Analysis and Design” lecture (SAD and it was, so I filled in the questionnaire you sent!). I may remember to enclose this, but I keep forgetting all the Conservative Party enclosures etc. My brain has such a low capacity! Thanks for your letter, which I got this morning, it was lovely to be in a strange place but remembered and thought about by my special friend!

 

I shared a double bed with my mate last night! This was an experience for both of us (and my mate’s roommate, who when I said I’d had a new experience replied: “Yes, I don’t know what it was but it was bloody loud!” Anyway he can’t take anymore and is sleeping at Robs for a couple of days! My mate said ‘Your girlfriend must have problems with you’. He told me to ‘read my book and write your diary. It might help keep you occupied for a while.’ Don’t worry that my existence is stressing you out, this seems to be a common occurrence!

 

Mum had the same problem yesterday. We went to pick up my sister who was late and I got bored, I asked her if she takes dress size 3.5. She to relieve her boredom (with me!!) was reading “A Multitude of Sins”, which I confiscated (“I’m not having you reading that crap!”). I told her that she must be finding out about a lot of new naughty things, with such a sweet and lovely mind!

 

We had breakfast at the Poly after the lecture and the women sales assistant type asked me if I had any extras with my breakfast. I replied “No only you and your service, and they are free I believe although I’d pay a pound for them!” (It made her day!).

 

So yes I’m OK and doing alright. I’m conscious of your problems and I’ll listen to them and support you and give you a shoulder to cry on, if you want one. I’m here for you and I love you because I feel secure and satisfied when meeting new people here etc. Love.

 

I showed my Dad my photo of you, and he couldn’t say anything about it. In the end he said something about you being mentally unstable (!) to put up with me. That reminds me, I’ve got to get a reprint copy of the photo for my Gran’s files: she’s like the Spanish Inquisition, indeed she’s off to Spain next Sunday for a fortnight’s fact finding mission for the UK govn, asking British ex-patriots running the cafes if there’s a continental opening should Major lose the forthcoming election!!

 

I read a nice quote about something which struck me as true about you and your Grandmother: “Stress is what happens when your gut says No and your mouth says Yes, I’d be glad to”! Apparently, children who call their mother “Mother” want to dominate her, I thought that you might like to know, it doesn’t bother me, I call mine “silly bitch”!!

 

This is my last letter, our next communication will probably be a phone call and then a personal appearance (calm down, I’m trying to!) and a lovely time I would think. At least me being one huge problem will force you to forget your other problems and concentrate on me (hopefully!) in order to be able to cope!

 

Kate, I love one person at the level I love you. You. (I’d be very disoriented and unable to coordinate myself completely if there were more!). Love me.

 

Love, Simon

 

PS. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking!

 

 

SDB Newbury

03/04/92

21.00

 

Katest,

 

I was just posting a letter off (my postal vote). I voted for the Conservatives, who hold the Edgbaston seat. I had my reservations about all of them, and I thought that at least ‘The Dame’ [Margaret Thatcher] had been in power and had had some experience. (At her age, it ought to be in abundance!).

 

I’m glad that I ‘seduced’ the landlady so that she forwards your postcard! Hopefully it will arrive here pretty soon, as your letters really do start my day off right, and I try to call you to end it well too.

 

I can’t wait for later today (for you now!). I haven’t loved anyone as much as I do you, and having missed people in the past I still wasn’t prepared for the depth of this with you. Usually it wears off after a couple of days, and I always thought that when you weren’t with someone you are wasting time and your relationship has been put on hold. I feel however with you closer and more caring for you now than ever. I think and hope that you feel the same. It is nice to be back with my mum and dad. Mum said that she really missed me and seemed to mean it, Dad is back to subconsciously handing me the Care Bear mug (!) with ‘Christmas is the perfect time for caring’ written on it: No “Extend the season of goodwill throughout the year”.

 

My Dick Francis book will hopefully be finished tonight. Horses are being killed with injections of insulin etc.

 

I plan to move on next to “The Secret Language of Success” about body language next!

 

It is got things on ‘love signs’ (and I quote “Love makes mutes of those who habitually speak most fluently”: you wish!), courtship signals and the cowpoke position etc.!! (Ow baby, I love your way!). I bought it primarily because of the quotes within:

 

-“Success is all a matter of luck… ask any failure”

 

-“The present moment is a powerful goddess”

 

-“Life is not a dress rehearsal”

 

-“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance”

 

-“To others we are not ourselves but a performer in their lives cast for a part we do not even know that we are playing”

 

-“One man is no more than another unless he does more than another”

 

These are beautiful, some of them. There are some longer good ones but it would take too long to write them out.

 

I had my biorhythms tested in Bournemouth, and I’ll be on a physical, emotional and intelligent high next week (Oh Oh Ra Ra!!).

 

I got scared (not scarred!) by the 2 dogs in the Hotel, they behaved as Wombat did: they ran away!

 

I sorted out my friend’s best friend. He was getting in some heavy crap (I’ll communicate when I arrive, as you can imagine!) and all my psychoanalysis ‘crap’ got him thinking and asking questions. Lovely jubbly, oh but to be useful!

 

I love you, hope you’ve got full battle dress on for my stay (armour or amour??!!))

 

Love (don’t think I don’t mean it: I’ll suit my actions to my words!)

 

Simon

 

Later, Baby, Later!

 

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Fri. 10^th April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

It was enjoyable on the train looking out at the lovely countryside. The battle we saw at the seaside between winter and summer seems today to have been won by summer. What happened to spring? Winter sprung into summer.

 

I’ve felt pretty weird since we parted, sort of strange because I have for a little while at least been used to you either being around and not far and not long before I see you again. Now you’re not around and I miss you by huge loads. I feel a bit less without you.

 

I wake up to hear of a Conservative majority, they won Newbury and Hereford, I’m not sure what happened in Selly Oak, Edgbaston etc., time will tell. I think that it was probably the tax issue which won it. This doesn’t surprise me in the least.

 

I’ve been thinking about us and kind of what I want as a boyfriend. The answer is nothing more than before i.e. propers but nothing further down. I love to kiss you and I don’t want anything more unless you want it too. This compromise seems OK to me but needs your support. I don’t think it solves deciding how you feel about me, but it might make it more possible to find out. I suppose that you must ask yourself if when we kiss properly is your affection genuine- do you want it, enjoy it?

 

Be in it until you know your feelings, that’s the best way to find out what they really are. I’m too intensive (size 10, saying I feel like an old married man etc.) This puts you under loads of pressure, sorry. The friendship is most important, the big love is nice to supplement and add to it, and if you enjoy it most of the time then it is yours.

 

There were no idly squidleys crawling up my leg on the return journey, although that bottle of Yop did manage to de-lid itself, causing all sorts of problems to a minority of people on a crowded bus in Oxford. I only had to wait about half an hour (less than that) for a coach from Brum to Oxford and then my dad picked me up from the Grandmothers. She is on holiday and I was lucky not to be arrested by Neighborhood Watch for ‘loitering’ outside their house eating my French stick. Had I not told the neighbor that her cheeks for one that age were wonderful I’m sure that events could have been different and difficult.

 

See what your thoughts about me are about, observe how much if at all you miss me and how this varies with what you expected, ask yourself what your physical wants are.

 

I love you, all of you and all about you and am aware of CF etc. and love it for shaping the you I love.

 

Seeing you with your family made me realize how important I can be next term in being there to love you, and vice versa. Next term will be difficult, but we’ll have each other which I hope is as lovely for you as it is for me.

 

There is still no sign of your postcard. I don’t know of course why but you may wish to slap me frantically given your seemingly slapdash attitude. Love my weakness (notice the singular nature of this statement: I’m an optimist!).

 

Love, beautiful, powerful love

 

Simon

 

Age may wrinkle the skin, but lack of enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Sat 11^th April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I received this morning your latest postcard (not the one you sent to Bournemouth!). Since I’ve been back I’ve done no work: yesterday I couldn’t, I was missing you very much. I sorted out lots of little things like getting another shelf put up in my room to store some more Coke cans away from the floor, ran, went to the pub for 10 minutes when I was posting some letters etc. I have joined ‘Tommy’ which is a charity that helps children and promotes the value of parenthood. They are setting up a center of excellence with top doctors and medical scientists to help get healthy babies.

 

Business ethics and honesty seem as mixed as ever. My Dad got a call from an Irishman asking if we did Quotations. My Dad thought it was one of his friends playing a joke and “Who is this?” but he quoted the man and they meet met and got on well and my Dad got the business (3 houses in London). My Dad in his quotes gives the full cost including appliances, installations, VAT etc., whereas many competitors give the cost of the units only. Nothing is hidden from the customer and my Mum jokes that he loves them more than he does her, but seeing as he is deliberately rude to half the snobs I can’t see it. I was in there yesterday and a man came in and pronounced the brand of kitchen wrong, so my Dad pronounced it correctly.

 

On the other hand my cousin is unemployed and he got to the last two in a job at an estate agents, who told him to go away and decide with his parents how much he wants to be paid (very fair you might think) but they did the same with the other bloke so they both had to suggest a low figure. And the job was 70 hours, 7 days a week: European guidelines suggest a maximum of 48 hours.

 

I can sympathize with your dad, if in England you do something using your instincts and not exactly by the book there is a tendency for people to think that you’re mad! I tend to think that this world makes the good bad- or mad.

 

I’ll work today, my tutor said that the exams are passed or failed during the Easter holidays, and I still have a lot to learn.

 

I found my 1989 diary yesterday, I’ve changed in that I get on with everyone rather than most people now. Just one enemy can cause a lot of damage. But in other ways I haven’t changed much: ‘Sat 25^th Feb: Dropped a glass bottle of Ribena in Tesco……..’!

 

There’s a good scheme available called G.A.Y.E.: Give As You Earn, which I hope takes off.

 

No one person is everything you want at the same time i.e. your perfect man, but they are perfect in that you love them and fell in love with them. Your idiot rating of 45% means you should get on with me nearly half the time! It was lovely to get your postcard, typically a nice thought from you, it shows you are thinking of me! I called (again!) yesterday afternoon to say I love you and am missing you which is the truth. My feelings for someone have never before lasted this long: usually love wears off, with you it grows.

 

Below is your report from me!:

 

                                    Grade                         Comments

Touchy Feely             A                                 Wonderful kisser      

Lovability                    A                                 Thoughtful and caring

Communication         B                                 Improving all the time

Looks                         A                                 Lovely bum and cheeks and lips

Cooking                     B                                 Overemphasis on rolled oats!

Personality                 A                                 Amusing, responsive, argumentative

 

Not bad, but some room for improvement!

 

I’m off, you should have heard from me today (Saturday) and Monday, and I’ll probably have heard from you then as well which is wonderful.

 

Love Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Sunday 12^th April 92

 

Dearest Kate,

 

Summary of our just had telephone conversation:

 

-SD made it clear that he is aware and accepted KW’s sometime hospitalization. He feels that the far greater time spent out of hospital and his love for KW renders this a small sacrifice for one he loves this much. Very small.

 

-SD cited the fact that he knows about CF and is available to talk about KW’s particular situation should she wish.

 

-SD notes that his overuse of “If you see what I mean” could lead to abuse from KW if it is not curtailed.

 

-SD stresses his love for KW.

 

That’s that sorted. In answer to your question “Have I done a lot of work?” I must reply “No” because of my holiday last week. All this schedule organization etc. is simply because I felt if I could at least sit down and prepare myself for work, ease myself gently into it etc. I might get some done. This could still of course happen!

 

My Coke bedroom is looking lovely, I’ve moved another 50 cans onto shelves from around and taken the door off a cupboard above my wardrobe in which I can store my prized ‘pop art’ Cherry Coke cans which are very lovely. I really need another shelf to put all my diet Coke cans up of which there are about 75 different cans. I’m moving another 500 cans into the loft, these are various swaps, repeats etc., leaving 10s of glass bottles and all the everyday items bearing the trademark, and about a thousand Coke posters, which have hardly any room on the wall. Last year I stopped collecting plastic bottles which are ugly and space consuming: I took all the lids and labels off and threw away about 200 plastic shells!

 

You’re very lucky to be going to Europe this Summer, there is for example a set of 19 cans to celebrate the Olympics released in Germany and around 70 cans I haven’t got around Europe. Luke said he’d keep an eye out for Coke items, I don’t think he realized how much there is! I love Coca-Cola, its ability to make you feel better (Refreshment), its link with you and 500 million people every day around the world, and I thought about Coke and CF because I believe that Coke adds life. It is silly, but if you believe it in your soul like I do, and don’t just pay lip service to it, you can do it, make it happen. Thinking things are impossible makes them so because you don’t even try it because you think it’s a waste of time.

 

It is now 5 p.m. and I’ve been working at the Coke posters on my walls for about an hour. I’ve got one to fit every space, it is just finding it! It is now sunny out in the park and I’m embarrassed as some people out playing golf in the park are looking in at my collection!

 

I might call you again tonight, I know it is excessive but I love you with all my heart.

 

I found a brilliant song “Because I love you” and am recording it for you, mum is cooking a Sunday roast, Dad and Neil are watching the Cup Final and Emma has been at a party all day, this next week is half term and she’ll be around, and then Mum, Dad and Emma are off to Tenerife for a week and I’m cooking! This is the last week of the holiday and I’ll be returning on the Sunday 26^th May, lest this interests you.

 

Mum’s just been up to have a look at my room, she says I’m too old and not to put anything else on the ceiling (paper cups are stuck there!) and she refused my offer to show here my ‘greatest specimens’. I could tell she was impressed by the extent of it though!

 

Don’t worry, I’m not just writing this bull, I’ll put somethings which are worth hearing in, it will just be a longer letter!

 

I’ll do a bit of work this evening, it is just such a lovely day that I don’t want to work at all! And I’m thinking about you I can’t help but feel good about our future together. I think that we both get such a lot from each other that we’ll work at making our relationship work brilliantly.

 

I’ve just got back from calling you the second time!

 

Summary: Next term we are to swim together (!) and perhaps expose more of each other to one another. SDB won’t intentionally let you down so feel free, and feel free to expose yourself to me!

 

In two weeks time we will be together. A full fortnight. I hate this. I want you.

 

It is seven o’clock and I’ve got a couple of hours work to do.

 

19.13: off for a driving lesson!

 

19.45: Return home safely without any problems, I can drive outside of tests OK, it is on the day that I worry too much! Still I’ll be OK.

 

“I never should” is on at the Rep, about mother/ daughter relationships it has won awards and I hope that you will see it. No we can’t it finishes on the Saturday before the start of term!! “The Rivals” is on: 4 men fighting for one women, a comedy! “Passion” is mentioned in the spiel so it should be good! Can we go on Friday May 1 or Sat May 2 please?

 

I’m off to do some work.

 

It is Monday morning now and I didn’t manage to do any work yesterday. I didn’t exactly waste the day, only misspent it!

 

I noticed how all those things which aren’t actually ‘recycled’ are ‘recyclable”.

 

Anyway, it has been about 3 months that we have known each other: term started on January 13^th and its now April 13^th! It is very unusual for me to love someone this much for so long, but then again you’re special and the best and nicest girl I’ve met: most girls have either good looks or personality, few have both like you.

 

That’s it, I’ll post this and work and read and the day will soon go!

 

Kate, I love you (and if you don’t believe it, I can always prove it!)

 

Love Simon

 

 

‘No other generation has had such a responsibility placed on its shoulders to save the planet.

 

We’ve got an enormous job to do and very little time. In the name of love and music, of forest and rivers, of heart beats and breath, of tears and friendship, and everything that’s joyous, lets get us, go out and get on with it.

 

Things have got to change for the better. There isn’t much time. It may as well be today.’

 

SAVE THE WORLD

 

 

If you are not sure but think you might, then go for it, because your heart sends messages to your brain which carries out your actions, and your heart seems from your postponed actions to be positive. Anyway, I wish that I could say that someone else had said that, it might seem more authoritative and less biased! Kate, I love you, Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Tues 14 April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I hope that you don’t feel bad about your role in my decision not to live in the TC next year. It was what I wanted, I did it for me, it was just reassuring to know that you supported me and agreed with me. I love you, you understood that I wanted to do something (first year rep) for everyone else and not for my gain.

 

Kate 2 shouldn’t lie to her parents about my reasons: if they don’t understand, it is me they don’t understand, which is fair enough. I feel sad that Kate and Hel can’t understand my reasons, I don’t want to live with people who can’t understand this, it would eat anyway at those I said I wouldn’t live in the TC with. They’d have to understand the No for us to get on well somewhere else. They said that it was cowardly not to tell them at the TC, but I didn’t know until I got away from the pressure they and my parents were putting on me to take the cheaper option.

 

I’m going to offer them the possibility that I could ask the warden if they could live as a 2 in the TC, he first considered the idea of letting me in when a postgrad told him that my flat mates had dumped on me by leaving us, and now I’ve dumped on them. The warden needs tenants (it is too late to organize a ballot) and they have certainly had more than enough heartache over this, which I am sad to contribute to. I’ll sort them, and then I’ll sort me.

 

I’m worried about your accommodation because I know you’re worried, and I’m here for you, I really am, and I love you with all my soul. I’ve got you, and you’ve got me. That was nice for you, for example, when you were very worried about your Gran, and it is nice for me.

 

I love you

 

Simon

 

Life is mostly froth and bubble. Two things stand out: kindness in another man’s troubles, courage in your own.

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Tues 14 April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

This is my third letter of the day. This is Thursday’s letter! My stars tell me that planetary conditions are favorable for me to try and heal a rift, resolve a crisis, or put a relationship on a new level of understanding, ‘open your heart and mind’. Well I’ve got a couple of crises, rifts etc. which are keeping me occupied if not amused. You are at least solidly behind me.

 

I have my own doubts about leaving the TC but I think that I’ve made the right decision for me, even though I will very likely end up living alone next year which isn’t so horrible as I’ll have you and my friends.

 

My parents think that I was making all about my arm up. I can sympathize with them, but the pain was in fact very bad for quite a while.

 

Thanks for your concern about my work. You are perfectly correct, I haven’t done a lot. Saturday I did, Sunday I didn’t, Monday I did, Tuesday I haven’t. I’ll do a couple of  hours tonight, I’m quite happy with my progress. I understand 90% of it all, it is only learning it. There are still 7 weeks to go before my exams: I wouldn’t want to peak too early! Seriously I did this in my A-levels and Xmas exams, by the time I got to the last ones I’d had enough and came out with my worst marks in these subjects. If I took the exams tomorrow I’d pass 3 of the 7 exams, and have a very good chance of doing so in 2 others. The other 2 just need learning. I’m not going for A’s, I just want to get 50% in all of them, this is sub-optimal of course but there are too many subjects and too little time and I’ve done too little work for A’s. My assessment grades should give me some indicator. I hope that I haven’t bored you, it is nice to stop and ask myself how I’m doing, and what’s to be done. From what you say about your work I think we both should be around for year 2, together.

 

You may think it necessary for us to agree how much time we have for each other during revision before exams. I don’t want to annoy you (you may be surprised to hear!), I’m happy if we see each other when we’re both around and work it out at the time like we usually do, I just don’t want you to plan some certain revision and be disturbed. If I need to see you in between I can perhaps use my usual “Here’s an orange juice” trick just to get a good look at you! I’ll leave it in your capable hands, you suffer most with this problem! I realize that you might want complete breaks from me: I’m trying to write a list of things rather than a little often etc. as I recognize that you need your personal space and I’ll give you it because I don’t want for the world to lose you.

 

Further commerce and medicine links: trading operation! Yesterday’s quote of the day was your “I can be a doctor”. You’re right, you can. I believe that to be fact.

 

In a way I think that I took Kate and Hel a bit for granted, perhaps expecting them simply to adhere to my decision (it was left to me: it is my flat). I didn’t think enough about them. Now I try to put myself into your shoes as much as possible (not with you in them as well: well only if you’ll let me!) and not take you for granted. I do relax and am happy with you: extremely happy but I think that by me asking such questions, and you not sure exactly how you feel (I do think that if you feel good with me then you should go for it: life is not a dress rehearsal) keeps us both “on our toes”, (or in my case on my plimsolls!). I’m extremely happy to know you’re there for me and as long as we have the security of assurance that we won’t let each other down then I don’t mind at all the uncertainties of you not knowing: like I say, it keeps life interesting. That’s not to say that if you ‘took the plunge’ I’d take you for granted, then I’d need to hold onto you and keep you amused and happy. The future is uncertain, that’s what keeps the relationship new and alive, and the uncertainty is why we need each other and can’t take each other for granted which helps our relationship. And as more of the future becomes the present and then the past, our relationship grows, because together we’ve overcome uncertainty and so can feel more confident about future uncertainty.

 

That’s that. It is surprising how easy it is to fill up a couple of sides of A4! I’m glad you’re not an examiner trained in separating the good from the bad, although I don’t feel adverse at the thought of you examining me!! The fact that you were not in love the moment you set eyes on me doesn’t mean you can’t feel very strongly now. How you feel now is more important than how you felt then!

 

Did you know that the world record for kissing is 8,001 kisses in 8 hours (that would get rid of some of the passion I feel for you!).

 

I really know how you feel about needing a break and some time to yourself. Last term was incredibly hectic and energy consuming and I ended it emotionally and physically (arm!) exhausted. I feel much better now on both counts, I’ve slept and got myself a little fitter.

 

Enclosed today is Luke’s dewberry for his wrench (she will undo all his inhibitions and worries!). I looked ‘dewberry’ up in the dictionary (one up to Simon: I bet you didn’t think I had it in me!). Dewberry is “a kind of bramble or blackberry having a bluish, dew like bloom on the fruit.” This (I think!) means that such a fruit actually exists, contrary to my prior info! Well, aren’t you glad you know me?!

 

I can see Luke’s wish for a woman at exam time. It gives one the outside interest needed to keep going with the whole of life and not just concentrate on your exams, which keeps the revision interesting (because you’re not doing it all the time) and because it gives you something to do (!?) or think about during your breaks.

 

I’ll stop there, that little lot should keep you up and buzzing along happily for the day. Some of the stuff about our relationship should at least interest you (or maybe not…!).

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Thurs. 16^th April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I start this at 4 p.m., and I’ll post it on Good Friday, and hope that it arrives on Saturday, if not it won’t be until Tuesday! On further reflection I shall post it for 5 p.m. collection tonight, to increase the chance that you’ll hear from me on Saturday!

 

I hope you liked the Easter card, the flowers on the front reminded me of your room at term end (don’t worry too much about your dafs: they’re only 1 pound for 50 in New Street! One of your four now rests (elegantly) in a Coke bottle! I hope that you liked the Woodland Trust certificate, I have one in my name too, and I was going to give you the one with my name on and keep the one with yours on because I had a vague notion that this was the romantic thing to do! I decided against it for fear of your rebuke, i.e. your slaps!

 

I’m doing my 24 hour silence on the second Monday of next term for Tommy (the baby on the sticker that was on the back of one of your letters and one other ‘new challenge’ such as wear a pair of pink fluffy slippers for a day, or agree to eat any (edible) concoctions (!) flats can think of for 2 quid sponsorship money. Any suitably stupid suggestions from you will be suitably reflected upon and considered!

 

I found the following in amongst my Coke posters which amused me from ‘19’ magazine, January 1992 edition, my stars for 1992: ‘Keep an eye out for a body-mad medical student’. It is surprising how accurate their predictions can be!

 

You didn’t say what your Dad said about me, if he said anything. I’m curious (negative comments expected and relished!).

 

I’ve been reading some of the “Naked Ape Strikes Again”, about sex and sensation. It is very good, indicating that sexual enjoyment between those who have shared much mental involvement increases the pleasure of sexual acts, to the point where orgasms may be increased. (I don’t like to think how they discovered this!). Sorry about this, to ignore the subject of sex would ignore a very important part of our lives, still there is ignoring things and going on non-stop about them!

 

This reminds me of today’s stars, which I’m now off to re-paroudle. Tomorrow will be “ultra-special”- this leaves me thinking “Wow, that’s specific!”. By the way, be warned,  crabs pinch bulls, then again bulls probably make small work of little ole crabs: damn, go easy on me!

 

That’s all I’m going to say (you know me: I don’t like to go on!). No matter when you hear from me, you can be certain that you are never far away from my thoughts (and if you can’t be certain, be sure!).

 

I’m thinking that I should be more self-confident, after all you won’t find anyone who cares about you more than I do, or wants to please you more. Remember no-one is your perfect ideal person: this would be boring! Kate, I love you!

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB Newbury

16^th April 92, 5.04 pm

 

Katest

 

Just posted your last letter. It is just occurred to me that litterbins should be banned, well for domestic use anyway if not when you’re walking down the street. This could either force people to think about recycling their rubbish or mean a load of litter on the streets (I was just thinking what you would tell me!). Most of my rubbish these days is paper, which can be recycled (if only it wasn’t such a pain to sort!) and I wouldn’t mind at all, if the world sent me its empty Coke cans (my parents might object!). I’m surprised you haven’t got a post office box to store your mail in: isn’t it unfair on the postman! You’ll need one for the summer!

 

You remind me of a huge cr'me egg: you’re not hollow in the middle like other eggs, but all sweet and goey and ow, how I love you!

 

I’ve been teasing my parents that you are coming to stay for this next week whilst they’re away. Mum was going to ring your mum (Kate’s mum: Jane!). They’re really silly for getting so worked up!

 

I’m reading “Elephants Can Remember”, a Poirot (just thought of my pronunciation compared with yours: ‘Laughing all alone at memories of laughing together: You Can’t Beat the Feeling!’). The money values of these items are tiny compared with the orgasmic qualities of Coke cans, they really do give me a lot of pleasure! Neil’s girlfriend has just been looking around (“Thanks for showing me: its been marvelous!”).

 

I’ve been watching Neighbours and Home and Away. Jim Bean came around and we had a laugh, I much prefer talking to my friends at home rather than down the pub- the things you can say, ask and do are more varied!

 

Twanged my leg out jogging yesterday, we both seem to be in need of increasing our circulation: my arms and legs and your legs (remember Ougle Beach!). We’ll have to work on keeping our legs moving and exercised back at the TC. (I was thinking of swimming: what you were thinking of heaven only knows!).

 

The chicken took about two and a half hours to cook, I’ve just got back from feeding the ducks the exotic egg noodle (for exotic read burnt!). I won’t see them again: that’s saved me a job!! The remaining three quarters of our duck crop has given up the will to live but some duck corpses have just emerged to give our garden a splash of odor! (It is like d'j' vu all over again!).

 

I’m deliberately having my hair cut to reveal more of my intellectual brow! I prefer it short, I know that you like to run your fingers through my golden (?) locks (well I’m a romantic, I could hardly put greasy cap could I?). I’m awaiting your opinion (should I have it cut?). I don’t expect a reply, it is just reassuring to know that I did ask you to so you can’t slap me if it goes wrong (and it probably will: you know me!).

 

More propaganda which says our relationship is wonderful and the best place for us BOTH: you understand me better than anyone and I think I understand you better than anyone and love you for it and you love me for it!!

 

That’s it for this thrilling installment! Write Now.

 

Love (with it you can do anything!)

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Thurs. 17^th April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

It is already Thursday and the weekdays are whizzing by far quicker than the weekends do. I received your letter, it was lovely to hear from you, and especially as I wasn’t sure when I was to receive your next written communication. Your film sounds promising. I look forward to pursuing it. As you probably heard, I did try and call you yesterday to no avail. I didn’t call in the morning until after 1 p.m. and then you were out all afternoon. I hope you had a good time! I didn’t get a great deal of work done yesterday, I have a lot of trouble with some hard work. Still, I’ll get there in the end!

 

Mum and Dad and Emma leave tomorrow for Tenerife leaving me to keep house whilst Neil is at work. I’ll be quite glad to see Emma go: her half terms don’t seem to be around for recuperative purposes!

 

One of my football team player’s Dad died on Sunday (I found out yesterday). I saw him on Saturday. It was a sudden and unexpected heart attack, I was going to say there was nothing wrong with him, but you don’t just keel over and die I don’t think.

 

There was a good article in the Express “Who needs liberating?” talking about some adverts which women take the mickey out of men in. Last week some car salesmen brought the first ever sex discrimination case for males. We sexes don’t want to walk hand in hand, but engage in hand-to-hand combat! Still it’s a step up from seeing women have orgasms over clean floors!

 

My plans are in place to make sure I do a good job next term as First Year Rep for everyone. A photo of all this year’s first year TCers and a yearbook and recycling collections extended to include plastic have been earmarked as my major items of expenditure. A second ball looks out of the question, we haven’t the money or time to organize it. (Life is not a dress rehearsal). Lots of other events however are planned, I wonder if people will be out sunbathing in the Cloisters!? These should keep me fairly busy! If I can get them done I’ll have done a good job, and can look forward to settling next year’s first years in (heaven help them!!).

 

Mum has organized for lots of people to be around next week doing general repairs. Every day next week someone will be here (quite sensible really, we do tend to have parties!). She doesn’t seem to realize that you have parties in the evening and sleep them off during the day! Still I know the tradesmen, and I gave them a list of the party themes for when they are coming round. Hawaiian (!?) etc. with special entrance reductions for OAPs!

 

I’ve just about seen all my friends now. Jim Bean and I are thinking about going over to Europe in the Summer, we got postcards from Spain which looked promising, although I am not sure how it would all go if we went back there, everyone’s been somewhere they aren’t anymore.

 

I think that one of the reasons that Coke cheers me up is because when I’m outside drinking a can I don’t like to be seen not smiling in case people think I’m not enjoying my Coke!

 

I saw my A-Level Computer Science teacher yesterday. We had very much a love-hate relationship (I loved him, he hated me!). No, but I was awful, asking him he had changed the style of his jumper, why he had had his haircut etc. Was it a midlife crisis? We got on at other times (he taught me some Russian!) and he seemed glad to see me. I got an ‘A’ for my A-Level project which is good!

 

One of my friends is back from Interrailing around Europe: he spent two days (!) traveling to Paris, didn’t see anyone he knew, and came back!

 

I think that the UK would do better if all of Europe had less industry and more nature, we can grow better food than we can machines!

 

Passion fruit are a special at Sainsbury, 4p off to 12p! I know because I bought one, and eating it wasn’t the same as feeding each other, but it reminded me of the good times we’ve had, and the good times there are to come.

 

The US Vitamin E RDA is 10 mg, I was taking 20 times that amount, but you can’t overdose and I’ve cut down now.

 

I think it would be quite funny if we tried to have a conversation without speech, i.e. using our hands and facial expressions etc! I wonder if we can get our messages across!

 

Love Simon

 

 

Easter Sunday, 10.50 a.m.

 

It may be quite hard for you to see but it is not all good times in our relationship for me either. When I was in Hereford your mum talked to me more about your CF openly and frankly, as you haven’t. It is of course fully understandable that you shouldn’t wish to want your boyfriend to know about the your of your illness, boyfriends are for good times. Because I love you, the info from your mum caused me some considerable pain, and I was forced to think about our relationship and my commitment to you. I decided that the good times for example in-between hospitalization far outweighed any difficult times that the future may hold. When I am with you the good times are much more often than not good.

 

I just wanted you to know that no matter how strongly you feel in a relationship you have good times and bad. How it all started is not the issue, the future is. Lets work together to maximize the good times between us and help each other through the bad times.

 

Kate, I love you. More than I love and I have loved any other, and more than any other loves or has loved you.

 

I go forward in our relationship sure if not of what the future holds then of my will to make you happy, which will make me overjoyed. Because I love you.

 

Think about how other men may respond. Any pain makes me more determined to make our relationship work and more wonderful, we owe it to each other as much as we can, if we love each other. And love is a powerful motivator.

 

Boyfriends are for good times. Best friends are for bad times and for quite good times. I want the good times as well as the quite good and bad times. (If I feel this way, you may well do so too).

 

Perhaps best said and not written:

 

What would you rather: That I was optimistic or asking when you are going to die? Optimism is my way of dealing with CF and all the other problems of the world. I believe that things will get better.

 

It is probably too easy for you to think that because I made the first move, because I wanted you first and visibly more so far to assume that I am happy all of the time. I’m not happy if you’re not happy, if I in my power can, and love is most powerful.

 

That’s why I am saying to you that you’re lucky that I love you and as much as I do, that’s why I’m not calling you on Bank Holiday Monday, the closer I get to you the more pain I’m going to suffer when I see you ill. And you may hold back your love because your current love for me means that you don’t want to hurt me. What I’m saying is I can deal with it and am hopeful enough to think that my love keeps you looking after yourself: There’s no pressure of course, at the end of the day it is you that you go home to.

 

Ask my flat mates and parents how much I love you: they know!

 

I don’t think you’ll find anyone with whom you’ll want to go through the pain of getting here and now and at this stage. So I think that we should have hundreds of good times, we’ve both earned them!

 

CF is a part of you and I love you for it, loudness and my other weaknesses are a part of me, shouldn’t you love me in spite of them?

 

Will making me happy make you happy?

 

I’m not lazy, I’m just busy with other things.

 

Together, the man and women are equal. The man provides 6/10 and the women 4/10, together they = 1!

 

Boyfriends/ girlfriends have more meaningful relationship: experience more, see a different side of the person than anyone else.

 

Ended (not my life, the bloody letter!) 12.30 a.m.: Easter Monday

 

SD (Didn’t sleep too well) B

 

 

SDB, 19/04/92

Newbury, Sunday

 

Dearest Kate

 

I now feel very ready to be able to make you at your happiest in a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. My visit helped me to see that we have a future. Neither of us wants to lose what is a wonderful relationship. I saw your need for independence and am better prepared now to grant you it. Last term I was visiting over and over and not giving you room, thinking that, like me, you want to be with me more but for the work. Giving you space will (I hope!) make you see that I am a treat (!), will keep me special (!) and not get bored with me.

 

I know and accept CF and remain optimistic. I am prepared for any challenges it may throw up and love you much.

 

I understand your personality, how divorce etc. affects you, I like you when we’re loving, there is of course still much to discover, what I’m saying is that I want to discover it because I love you and I care for you.

 

You understand me better than anyone else, which is very important for me. Going through life I have been doing well, but my family, friends etc, although liking me, have not understood me. I feel better now than I have ever before felt.

 

We have invested a lot of time getting here. This understanding I don’t want to build up with anyone else, you aren’t so motivated by money etc. as others are. This understanding will keep us together and deepen. You may feel, as may I, that when we see that we are there over the long run and aren’t going to not realize our investment that we can expose yet more of each other to one another.

 

The future is ours. A step forward is a step in the right direction. Should you want to take that step, I’m prepared to make you happy. Why? Because I love you. One man is no more than another if he does no more than another.

 

I ended my letter about a Coca-Cola Foundation: “Please take something off your bottom line to put more people on top of the world. Heaven is a drink on Earth. Now is the time to make heaven a place on Earth”. (Other than when we’re together and it is heaven!!). I’d give the entire bonus to charity, after all, Coke head’s basic salary is 2 million quid a year, that should be enough to survive! (Remember he gets free Coca-Cola- that must save a couple of thousand pounds a year!!).

 

These are exciting times, genetic advances will allow cures for many diseases, another way for Coca-Cola to help shape people’s lives, like it did by portraying Santa Claus and Rockwell’s America.

 

Jim Bean came around at 6.45 a.m. Easter Sunday morning! He’d been out for four hours driving around looking for a rave! Sounds like a good laugh!

 

I’m off to do some more work (It’s a bank holiday, but we wicked students never stop!).

 

If we’ve had bad times in the past then it means we’ll have more incentive to have good times, and keep trying so that the pain isn’t for nothing! (Always look on the bright side of life!).

 

In a way I don’t want you to see me on the Sunday back. I’d quite like you to miss me and want me to be around. All in all, I want for you to love me.

 

Love, mine.

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Wed 22^nd April 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Yesterday, during the course of my preparing another tape for you I discovered Michael Jackson’s “Dangerous”. It is lovely, so thanks, because if it hadn’t have been for your tape I wouldn’t have discovered it!

 

It is 7.34 a.m., I’m cold, and the postman has just delivered your letter and exerts from “Red Dwarf” from your mum (Jane!). I was very pleased to receive the former. You are lucky to have come on further with your family, I haven’t done so, although I’ve got to know my Grandparents well which was my major aim.

 

I quite wish that Mum and Dad and Emma were here, Dad and I get on very, very well, Mum and I get on quite well, we’d get on better if she could understand me, but that would be spectacular!

 

As usual for me I am fighting myself to get the uninteresting things done to concentrate on the interesting one. Revision for me is uninteresting, saving the world is interesting.

 

I hope the Coca-Cola Foundation idea gets some support: Hell, it’s the only idea I’ve had that could even work!

 

This summer I hope to build on my early work success, so heaven help them as well!

 

This holiday has taught me a lot, I feel very more prepared for the future. I know what I want, now I can have some fun getting it! (That’s you!).

 

I’m just as happy here or at the TC, I feel happy within myself which is part of the reason why I didn’t telephone. I think you’re lucky to have me. I know I’m lucky to have you (of sorts!).

 

I think that our relationship gains from a lack of convention, which keeps things interesting. There is no pressure for either of us to do anything just because others do, I never wanted to, your “It doesn’t matter what others think” attitude supports mine. (Be as you will, for then you will be happy).

 

I had an offer from my former Coke mentor to work for him at his environmental firm this Summer, I’d love to (Planet Earth, Green and Blue, with all my heart, I love you) but I don’t know if he just said it or meant it. It is written and I know if I asked he’d let me come, I just don’t know whether he’d want me to come. Still if I did go I’d work hard so he might not regret it after the event. What do you think, this would be a very good experience!

 

Tonight, we’re having a BBQ, tomorrow Rachel (Neil’s girlie) cooks, Friday, it is my turn! It has been OK really, there’s some opera music on this Michael Jackson song: would your Dad like it? I’ll send it today, I don’t know if it is crap or relevant or what he sings, but it’s the thought that counts dearest! (Mingle, mingle, jingle!). We could sing a love song together if you want: a duet! We could call ourselves “Kite”: Kate and I flying high!

 

Caring remains contagious: your mother wouldn’t have found that reference to Coke, David wouldn’t have dug up that other Coke song, I need to send them something else, to keep the momentum going! Which is the difference with me: it will grow for me not pitter out.

 

You know the three arrowed symbol for recycling? I say turn the arrows into hands, and join them, for together we can save the world.

 

Dad has a job for me that will take all day at the shop, he said it was easy: removing ceramic tiles, hundreds of them, still as long as it doesn’t involve using the mind, it should be OK!

 

Luke might be feeling a bit confused at the moment: I’m sure his ‘wench’ problems bought you closer together, they have done my brother and I (HE had a little trouble!). It is quite nice to join up against the female race (and boy do we need safety in numbers!), it’s the first time we’ve talked about this sort of thing, last year there was a girl who wanted to kiss Neil and she was going out with me. Rachel (Neil’s girlfriend) has been a bit overzealous, so we dropped a load of hints about you which did the trick (she’s like that in herself, but she’s good for Neil (he’s nice to me when she’s here!)).

 

I was really nervous when I called last night, I only wanted you to miss hearing from me and let you see how you felt: I didn’t know how it would be, you do.

 

That’s all I wish to say, I’ll do you a postcard now.

 

I bloody well love you- please care enough to bear me.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

Love is the be all to end all.

 

 

SDB Newbury

Wed 22/04/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I nearly wrote Thursday, well that’s wishful thinking, you’re the only thing that I want to get back to the TC for. When asked whether the good sir would prefer exams or you, I chose you! Need I say, the revision isn’t going too well!

 

I just called a minute or two ago (sorry I know you are (I never know instinctively whether it is your or you’re!) at the flat this evening, sometimes you go later). So I chanced it (Huge risk or what?!). Anyway I was calling for your advice, that is to say I wanted to ask you if you think my Coke mentor was being genuine or polite when saying I could work for him. I’d like to but I thought I’d check with you, your advice being of some considerable interest to me. Our BBQ guests are here and I’m having a good time, cracking jokes and BBQed sausages being ribbed for extra pleasure (you had to be there!) etc. and life is generally of the highest.

 

Those bloody Mexican tiles are at the end of the day half up. This was the job dad said would take an hour (he’s probably on a beach somewhere in Tenerife laughing at this very minute. “Ohh just a minute there goes a mega-pigeon and… it is just crapped all over that gentleman’s face, “sorry Sir” from the staff of your loving hotel…!).

 

I worked really hard today (for a change- you know what I’m like about variety) for my Dad really. He worked really hard building up the business and I love doing manual jobs, I bumped into someone in town from Vodafone posting your letters, and they were impressed by my general will to undertake any work and impressed by my throbbing finger (yes, that was finger!) which is really bad: I might have a bath in Coca-Cola: Ah should heal it!). You know me- challenge the preconceived notions! Sending your Dad that Michael Jackson tape should be a laugh, at least I had the courtesy of giving you prior warning (by the way it arrived yesterday!).

 

I’m looking forward to the Earth Summit in June, when people talk about the environment whilst drinking from recycled plastic cups, (“I’ll be back” said the Newbury Green Party candidate). I still prefer Coke to organic wine! The makers of our kitchens have finally stopped using CFC-loaded polystyrene which can’t be recycled. (Dad asked). Ours is used by our decorator’s mum to make flowers for wedding cakes (don’t ask: I’ve no idea!), attempts today to use lead free paint failed (“I just can’t get a good finish, Simon”) but Vauxhall have (wait for it) just introduced asbestos free brake pads: wow that should do a lot of good.

 

Kate, am I rambling? Sorry! It is time to cast my magic spell (close your eyes and imagine me waving my magic wand!). I’ll go away now and rest it. I’m thinking about you, why else would I be writing you a letter when I’ve got guests?!. You’re not nice, you’re gorgeous! (Sorry, sometimes expletives (cross between a bang and a runs cure: work that out, there are a lot of spelling mistakes, but the former word does I think exist, if under a different guise, i.e. spelt differently!).

 

“Simon, get off the line”, stabbed and drowned beefburgers and neo-classical interpretations of  sausages!

 

Next term I’m going to love you and care for you and kiss and cuddle you and show how much I love you and make you happy.

 

It is Thursday a.m. now and I’ve heard from Kate and Hel. Kate is indecisive and doesn’t know what to do, Hel wants to go to a house as a 3. I don’t know why she’s saying that or wants that with me. I feel guilty about Kate who will have money problems. (It is OK for me to take the more expensive route).

 

Still, I can’t help but be uphearted (my lovely word), the BBQ went very, very well and I’ve got Mexican tiles (baked in the sun I do believe!) to remove again. My hand is all swollen where I’ve been holding my hammer too hard (“If it is aching you have to rub it”!).

 

If I feel uncomfortable talking at some stage next term shall I shut up? Will that make you more comfortable as well?

 

There’s 3 words you’ve heard before from me, but grow truer, they are “I love you”.

 

Love

 

Simon.

 

PS. Pen_s.

 

 

Thurs. 30^th April 92 @ 13.00, TC

 

Kate

 

I’ve been house hunting, lecturing etc. today and picked up your prescription as per your gorgeous instructions. More really of the same this afternoon.

 

Between us is a lot, and at the same time nothing (we’ve spent a lot of time together and little is sacred).

 

See you later after lectures, this first week has been lovely with you. I hope that you are in the very pink of condition.

 

Love, passion fruit and bananas! If it feels right, do it.

 

Love Simon (suitably modified for those twitchy twangers!)

 

Crowd worry out of your mind by keeping yourself occupied, thinking of others, or eating more passion fruit.

 

Go with it. Go with it. Jam.

 

 

Thurs 30/04/92 @ 10.30pm

 

Kate

 

Let me reassure you that I am fully aware and fully accept you being ill sometimes. Before I thought that all the good times outweigh the bad ones. I absolutely, completely don’t want anyone but you. Remember I fell in love with you in hospital. (I remember the exact moment: I was helping you put on your coat!). I’ve been ill and depressed and come to you- I feel flattered when you do the same and come to me, because I feel good to have the chance to help, and sharing and overcoming problems help us to grow together. Let this happen, it is you I want and only you.

 

I see relationships (probably because of all my natural faults) as accepting the person as they are and loving them for who they are. I thought long and hard about my commitments to you over the Easter holidays, and wanted you. I feel this even more now, this last week has been wonderful, without you I’d be lost. I need you more than you need me, I want you more than you want me, I’m sticking by you. Why? Because I love you. Overused phrase perhaps, but in your case, absolutely 109% true.

 

Watch me, see it is true. See me stick by you this time and do please the same by me.

 

Love: truly, madly, deeply. Like none before and none again.

 

Love Simon

 

 

Kate

 

Hello Simon here…… (allows you time to say hello to me!). Subject to your personal intervention should you wish to come and see me between when you get back from hospital and when you go to your Grandmothers then do so please, please. A visit would of course drive me crazy, and if only you could see me now: cheeky grin on my face by way of anticipation etc.!

 

I’ll sign off now, hoping that I have pleased you with my small writing saving writing paper and because:

”The Earth, the sea and the skies are not a gift from your parents, but a loan from your children.”

 

Save the world. Recycle.

 

Steel Tins

Aluminum Cans

Glass Bottles

 

8^th love strength!

 

Love, L8ve, L8ve

 

Simon

 

I didn’t want to write this in thick black ink in order to avoid habit!

 

 

Kate

 

You know how much I love you. Thanks for everything, and more. How much happiness have your bought to my life? In a complex world, love is simple. Just loop the loop. The good old days still lie ahead. It is nice to touch your funny bone. The world makes you bad- or mad. Love Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Fri. 15^th May 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I hope that today was good. If it was I’ll be there to share it, and if it wasn’t I’ll be there to change it. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.

 

As ever it is nice to be back with all my Coke cans! I hope that you too are enjoying being back home, it is easier all round to get things done here, your engraving on the ID bracelet will be done in about 3 weeks but it should be nice to keep thereafter (the best things come to those who wait, I think).

 

I came home and want straight back into Mum’s good books. I compared her to a jersey potato! Father and I get along just fine, there’s a rapport and he’s proud, if not of me then of my apparent success!

 

I’m looking into the possibility of me being addicted to caffeine. I don’t really care if I am, I don’t want to change and become all calm and collected all the time, but I’ve decided that if I drink less tea etc. it will have more of an effect (like changing shampoo!).

 

These are our independent lives, but at the end of today (literally) it is nice to know that you’ve got someone special and different. Everyone to you is special, and many, many friends have I, that’s why it is nice to be girlfriend and boyfriend. It is different and more special.

 

A couple of my best friends are home as well which is very nice, and Jim Bean and I will hopefully decide on going on holiday this Summer, which I would really like. Kate and Hel have made (separate) plans because of the different study year. (They come back a month or more early and finish soon).

 

I hope that you are feeling less tired and managed to pick up the correct antibiotics, I did find out about who shares and what happens on your birthday, I’ll send it or keep it.

 

You can get passion fruit flavored herbal tea. I may try it! I didn’t realize that chocolate had so much caffeine in it, these things are the pleasures in life I turn to when you aren’t here (I’m serious) and when I’m revising, I reward myself with treats.

 

I hope that it is not pressuring you to write back by me writing and that you do not mind. It’s the best way to miss you least. Only write if you want to (I do) don’t feel obliged. Your letters are treats (to be consumed alongside 500ml pots of yogurt!) but make me too happy to work!

 

The cleaner comes at 9, so I’m frantically trying to make some mess! I’m not having much trouble there!

 

Nice to have a good night’s sleep. Nice to have a special girlfriend. Lovely that it is you.

 

Love Simon

 

Cross Frontal reverse embraces

 

The sun moves into your sign this next week, marking a spark of passion soon to ignite. A brilliant aspect between Mars and Uranus gives you the answer that has until now eluded you. You now know that he genuinely cares for you, so you should feel confident that a step forward is a step in the right direction. Spoil yourself!

 

 

Kate

 

I was tidying up (!) and I thought that you might like to listen to this tape as well as variety is the…! Here is the wonderful Lodge, if you get through “Small World” you’ll love this. It is wonderful! Without a doubt a “Small Indulgence” as “The Popcorn Report” would classify it.

 

Sleep tight, and if the bed bugs bite come and see me, and have a wonderful chopping up session tomorrow and remember ‘whatever it is, it can be done’.

 

Don’t stand there like that, dry yourself!

 

More love

 

Simon

 

PS. One more lid top down!

 

 

Saturday 16^th May 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

The break has been good. My family and I are going along fine. My mother is a legend. She’s right down there now, sunglasses on because of the smoke from dinner. Our shop’s fitter sent her some flowers for letting Dad out at night to pick him up. My Dad’s gone from 30 fags a day to zero, and he’s twitching and murdering gum more than my Gran does when I visit.

 

Dad just threw my brand new, just purchased passion fruit away. He thought it was a wrinkly old prune and threw it down the waste disposal. I said “You don’t do that to Mum, so why do it to my passion fruit”!

 

I’ve just got back from a driving outing with Dad. Immediately I had Mr. and Mrs. Duck the second in my path, but owing a duty of care to other road users, I was careful to not go over them with my wheels. Unfortunately, not as I had expected it, they didn’t ‘duck’ and now they are head, if not neckless. Dad gets impatient in 30 zones. We have this perpetual inner (well inside the car) battle between not breaking the law and getting arrested for curb crawling. Luckily the points go on his license.

 

Neil is my big bro. He and Rachel remain. He helped her with therapy and they coordinate their clothes. I call him “Ne Ne’ at the pub.

 

JB Jim Bean drove his car through the local ford and it sunk. The AA towed it out and his Dad dried it up. Some thought that he was stupid, I loved him for it. If he wants to drive his car through a ford, it is not hurting anyone else and he’s having fun. He wants to be a policeman when he grows up. JB and me went out on the town and won 80 quid on the fruitees. We got gini-ed. JB knows the machines back to front. 2 days later they changed the machines to other machines that JB knows.

 

GB Goon Boy and Melanie are talking of marriage. I bowled a 102, he bowled 120.

 

I stayed in on Friday night to read “Millennium: Tribal Wisdom in the Modern World”. F. ace.

 

I can’t work in my bedroom because it is lovely and I keep looking up and smiling. 1993 Coke calendars are coming in from around the world.

 

My week at Vodafone raged. I don’t want to be a middle manager. I’m glad I had the time at work because you don’t seem to be able to revise all the time. I’ve had to ‘ungrunge’ and engage in acts of personal grooming because of work. I’ve had to work shirts UNDER my jumpers etc. since getting back. I wore a jumper inside out down the pub one night (the inside fluff is nice) and suffice to say that fashion isn’t as advanced in Newbury as it is in Brum!

 

I don’t know if it’s the same with Medicine but Commerce only gives out one or at most two firsts a year which is difficult because everyone got As at A-Level and there are 50 odd overseas students working the whole time, so last term I set up a couple of my ‘competitors’ for a first with women so that they’d stop focusing so much on revision. And who said women had no purpose!? Basically I’ve begun to see time as a competitive advantage (because I can’t compete on intellect!) and am trying to use it best.

 

Nearly all my friends back here are under the thumb which is a shame, especially seeing who the women are. It is not that I don’t like women (you know that to your peril!). It is just that I fail with the gorgeous ones like you. My theory is that I will mature nicely with age. Men improve and women deteriorate over time until there is an equilibrium. For me it will be around when I’m around 31 then age and steady job will have dignified me and women’s wrinkles will mean she will compromise and accept me! Fortunately with all this divorce she will still be available! Meanwhile I’m going to add as much value and do as well as I can. I’d rather go without than make do. Pity the poor girl when I ‘scoop’!

 

Our ducks are back for the third spring running and Mum is spoiling them as usual. Really, I think I should quack and she might treat me nicely!

 

Have you seen any of the new Coke ads: beautiful, but not conducive to revision!

 

JB… GB… my initials? DH!

 

Love

 

Simes

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Monday 18^th May 92

 

Dearest Kate,

 

This is my letter for Tuesday. I spent the weekend doing some work and some play, football, cricket, and we’ve had relatives over for BBQs, and I’ve been out with my friends, who are fine apart from Jim Bean, who has become unreliable all of a sudden.

 

This month’s GQ has an article about ‘how to pull the chicks’! Lesson 1: Aim high: I’ve done that! No ifs, no buts.

 

Reading through the essential Do’s and Don’ts, I’m not (surprisingly!) doing very well. Apparently there is nothing more of a turn-off than a guy who’s trying too hard, the over-enthusiastic, the ‘odious smell of the hunter’! Is 4 letters and 3 phone calls a day excessive?!

 

Golden Rules 1-4:

 

-Avoid the crude opener (“You don’t sweat much for a fat lass”). Now you know where I get it from!

 

-Avoid the comedic (“You look like a virgin. Fortunately I specialize in such diseases”)

 

-Avoid the clich' (“Don’t tell me, let me guess, you must be a Taurus”)

 

-Avoid the crass statement (“I am sorry but you happen to be standing on my Gold American Express card”)

 

Some of my “seducing” lines aren’t too bad: She disintegrated as he uttered those immortal words: “Hello, My name is Simon. I’m a collector of Coca-Cola cans.”

 

I might be going over to Miami this Summer for a fortnight with the family, if Dad can get me a flight. Have you and Luke [brother] decided what to do over the summer?

 

The summer isn’t far off really, but there is still a lot to do in the next 6 weeks of term. Revision, exams. Even the immediate future is of course uncertain, whether we’ll get the couple of weeks after your exams to spend time and go out or vivas (sorry if I spelled it wrong) and not get the chance to enjoy ourselves together before the summer.

 

I return to the TC on Wednesday, sleep over and go back home on Thursday for another week. I know not where to write to tomorrow (Wednesday’s letter) so I may not write.

 

Love Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

 

21/05/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I’m back home after a whirlwind stopover in Brum. It was nice to see everyone again, but a water fights/ sunbathing atmosphere isn’t particularly conducive to thorough revision! I got back OK and reclaimed my lost clothes. (It cost me a 1.50 “look after” fee!). It is still another week before we see each other again. I’d like to know if you are missing me, how you feel etc. of course, but I’m trying not to question (interrogate) you: I’ve made that mistake before and I won’t do it again.

 

I’ve also been trying to ring and write less whilst still letting you know I love and care for you. That way you know I’m here but don’t have to experience this in bitter personal terms! I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing ever, all I know is that I want to be around to try and if you don’t mind, I want to see us together.

 

I’m going to give you a bell Friday to find out if you know when you’ll be back to the TC, I hope it is nice to be off antibiotics.

 

I need to pass these exams, there is just too much to do and I need to ignore it like the lettuce cutting that my mum gets me to do! I’m not joking. “Dear Mr. Examiner, I’m sorry about this paper, but…”.

 

My latest idea for charity is trying to get everyone to save their 1s and 2s until the end of term and then collecting them for donation. I’m doing it at least, I don’t know if you want to?!

 

My Dad’s smoker’s tooth polish turns out to be made by LRC [London Rubber Company], the makers of Durex [condoms], so he had a good laugh about that. (Don’t ask!).

 

Ogmore has apparently been revealed as the most polluted beach in the UK, this may explain why we were the only people in the sea, on the other hand that could just have been because it was raining and minus something degrees!

 

I’m feeling really tired now, I haven’t slept so good for the last couple of nights, last night because the authorities warned me that a condition of my continued freedom is not more than 6 hours sleep a day to refrain me, and because I didn’t have my alarm clock with me but needed to be up for my train. Worry about oversleeping kept me awake!

 

I’ll revise a little later and jog and bath and sleep and up early tomorrow for a hard day working, all honorable and therefore highly unlikely!

 

I’ll sign off here, I have to waste the rest of this paper, but it is not easy thinking of things to say every day (hence all the nonsense!), and I don’t like to go on!

 

Love me properly. Love is so very precious, don’t you think, let’s use it.

 

Love Simon

 

Things either get better, or worse. Then better.

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Friday 21^st May 92

 

Dearest Kate, I write quite soon after our phone call. I feel almost as nervous ringing now as I did a while back, not because we haven’t grown close, just because we grew closer fast, then now have slowed it back down a little. It wasn’t that I didn’t and don’t want to phone, I just want to make a good impression when I do.

 

Further to our talk about stereotypes/ conformity etc, I don’t think that timetables etc. are a good idea. They inhibit freedom, and the enjoyment that it brings. I’d rather be feeling nervous because we don’t conform than taking one another for granted. I enjoy chasing you and trying to win you over, perhaps (even if you don’t agree) because I’ve seen you there before and liked it (and so did you so I think that I can get there again). We both seem to stop and consider our relationship, it is just you find negative things and I find positive things! I don’t think either of us have been in as “experience-full” relationship as this i.e. your past boyfriends might not have visited you in hospital etc.

 

Perhaps spending a lot of time with each other in different situations is why I feel our relationship is so special. You’re the right person for me in that you are gorgeous and understand me more than others. Just going out as I did with my friends here before Uni is very limited in it is insight. I need to be exposed and vulnerable and want and get it with you. My many other relationships are on the whole satisfactory, but are superficial in comparison. I suppose that the more situations you’ve shared the better, they deepen the relationship.

 

What’s it like to be back at the TC? I hope that you are feeling less tired without the antibiotics and wish I was able to give you a cuddle to reassure you about the exams a little! I’ll try to tread lightly over this period as I don’t think either of us (esp. you) need added hassles at this time. Proper kisses would be nice (for us both?) and maybe would help you to see how you feel.

 

Went back to the pub where I met this girl once at a racing evening (videos imported from America of their races to bet on) and she tried to “get off” with me and I ran away down the road and home, much to the amusement of my friends! I saw my ex-girlfriend if you could call her that as well. We were theoretically going out a couple of years back, except I wouldn’t speak to her and avoided her because at the time I had far worse spots than I have now, and I was embarrassed. I went about a year without chocolate (can you believe it?!), I guess I might be making up for it now!

 

I don’t really know though, which is good. I don’t want to know all the answers. You once said that less thought means that you have less to think about when you need to change. I try just to think (and worry) about the most important things to me in my life, not wearing nice clothes isn’t so important, except this is too easy, as these things usually affect something which is important.

 

Anyway enough of this, I hope Monday is nice (it won’t come around again: today) and that you are enjoying the relative peace, but looking forward a little to us again, as I so very am.

 

I love you, Kate. That’s the simple and clear bit.

 

Love Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Sunday 24^th May 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

It is fairly soon after our telephone conversation, I don’t know if your Mum told you but I called yesterday as well, despite you telling me not to. Yesterday was a long day revising, and I was often thinking of you. Fri and Sat have been good days for revision, today will be the same if I can find the discipline and get my head and feet down on the floor.

 

I had a bit of a go at Melanie, a v. good friend and best friend’s girlfriend, who has been threatening to break off their relationship unless Simon does this or that. I don’t think that she should use it as a weapon to force compliance.

 

Mum and Dad had an argument last night, and it was amusing to see us 3 kids helping them to sort it out. We were all comforting and suggesting compromise solutions, all 3 men (!) agreed on the irrationality of females, but decided that we wouldn’t want to be without them!

 

This of home I enjoy, we had a BBQ yesterday and I enjoyed being the brunt of everyone’s mickey taking: saying I’ve got fleas, no etiquette (table manners: not because you didn’t know, but because I couldn’t spell it!), scruffy etc. I said in jest that it is all my parent’s fault as they could have kept a tighter reign on me. Mum said that she would have taught me to eat properly but she couldn’t bear to look at me! I used to be put down in the cellar, Dad was praying for cot death! I said I wished I could have got more of Mum’s beauty!!

 

On the phone you were saying that support is more important than drug knowledge etc. I agree, but have found that you really need both, for example, you might say the wrong thing (I do!) when trying to support through lack of information. Either without the other is probably of little use.

 

Revision is usually boring, but I can’t wait to revise you (smooth/ not smooth: delete as appropriate!). This should get to you on Wednesday.

 

It’s a bit worrying that you haven’t missed me, but not surprising considering you haven’t been thinking about it at all. I wouldn’t have you any other way (unless you wanted it), I love you and if you reject me a little, I bounce back harder: I have to, it is written in my soul (what a load of crap!), complete rejection is needed to stop me. (Just thought I’d tell you).

 

Life’s too easy, any challenges and difficulties make it interesting and stop it just flowing by. I try to thrive on problems, (courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the ability to carry on with dignity in spite of it). Love, to borrow Sylvia Plath’s phrase, set me going.

 

I’m quite sure of myself in that I don’t worry too much when meeting strangers, but I’m quite insecure when in 1 to 1s with you, and often wish that I didn’t have my bad points. I’m happy with making the most of my good points but I still wish you didn’t have my bad ones. Still you’re giving me a huge incentive to improve, and I am, and I don’t want to be perfect and say the right things, I try to thrive on my imperfections, and then turn them around.

 

This is basically my philosophy of life. Make the very most of all the good times, and enjoy the bad ones as well. That way you have a brilliant life.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Monday 25^th May 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I am today reminded of past foreign holidays. After so many days of opening one’s curtains to sun, I wake up now expecting and assuming sun. This morning I woke to its rays as usual, now at 13.00 it’s a little duller and overcast.

 

It is now around 8 p.m., and I’ve tried hard today to study, with some, if minor, success. I’m horribly borderline in a couple of subjects, the others have been neglected, hopefully not to my cost. I’m not a lazy bastard, I’ve done quite a lot of work for quite a lot of weeks, but I can’t do enough. I’ll stop. I’ll win, that’s what challenges are there for.

 

Simon and Melanie split up again today. He came here and she followed him around, and he hid in my sister’s bedroom whilst Melanie begged me to let her see him and tell her where he was or she’d commit suicide. I backed Goonboy and told her to go away, if he didn’t want to talk to her then I couldn’t make him. (“One love: it leaves you baby if you don’t care for it”). She’s been horrible to him lately in his opinion and mine and I backed my best mate of 7 years who likes me and can put up with me for more than 10 minutes. I don’t like lying (“I don’t know where Goon is”) and I don’t like having enemies. Melanie is my first but you can’t go through life sitting on the fence. They’ll get back together (they’ve shared too much just to stop now), and we’ll make up given time.

 

Nowhere anywhere do I have enemies. I’m lucky I suppose that I can put myself a little into people’s shoes and understand them and what they want. I don’t know with you, I can’t really do the same as much, hence I say the wrong thing etc. but I’ll get used to Ward 12 over time if you let me and I’ll stop. I’ll win, that’s what challenges are there for.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

25^th May 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I have spent that much of today that has already passed rearranging my room, tidying up and sorting, reading, listening to music, thinking, talking etc. I’ve been haunted by guilt when considering buying some new clothes, I’d like them but I don’t need them. I’ve decided to limit my clothes spending to half that wanted, try to get my old shoes re-heeled and will get a new pair of trainers, which I need. As from yesterday, I will donate one pound to charity for every one pound that I spend on “junk”, that is to say sweets, chocolate and soft drinks. As this includes Coke, donations should be sizeable!! Sponsored silences etc. are still planned and will go ahead! I plan to raise/ donate 500 GBP by the beginning of the next academic year. I’m trying to cut down on treats which I enjoy, so that the more needy can get the necessities. This can be done, for example, by limiting consumption to when in season not all year round, like your advice, and I’m going to try and recycle the TC’s aluminum cans via Sainsburys and give the money to charity. I’m going to try to get Vodafone (sponsors) to introduce Give As You Earn. Emma wears mum’s clothes, Neil and I Dads and each others, although I don’t fancy myself in one of mum’s petticoats!! Once implemented I’ll be very happy with my environment and charity helping, can you think of anything else I could do (be sensible: realism you must remember!). I’m getting onto Marks and Spencer about all their packaging. Oxford United, my family’s team, has just been purchased by Biomass, a recycling firm, but I doubt they’ll get much scrap value for its players!

 

Kate, can I please ask you something? I really enjoyed our first land only (!?) date to the theatre, and you seemed to too, if we both had such a good time, why can’t we still go out and more often? I think also that we both used to enjoy our proper kissing. I still do: could you please tell me why you don’t anymore. It is better for us both when you know how you feel, so let me be and act as your boyfriend and then see how you feel. You won’t be able to tell from a distance. I’ll know why you’re doing it, don’t worry about that. Just see how you feel, and understand that it is difficult for me, it is you that I want and really only you, and it is difficult when you don’t know, because you have to try to find out. I’ve seen you loving me as more than friends and I like it and so did you. Your love might not be what I want, but it may well be worth more than friends. Try thinking in terms of what you want not what I want, because I want whatever you want.

 

I’m so very sorry for trying to sort out our relationship when you’re tired when you need only care and support, not questions, and difficult ones. Our relationship is the most important thing for me apart from your happiness, because it makes me feel happy and special.

 

Let me know when you are going back to the TC.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Tues. 26^th May 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Today is a Tuesday, and had you been here with me then you too would have woken, if later than intended, then at least to sun.

 

My life goes on, and revision goes on and on!

 

I’ll return of course later on today, in the evening at around 7 or 8 p.m. I’ll come up and see you as soon as I can thereafter. I hope everything’s alright up there, I have left my door unlocked and when I went back last week my word processor had gone (only borrowed!).

 

And so a further 2 weeks apart have been completed, a fortnight very much in which we have gone and got on with our own individual lives as usual, it isn’t quite that black and white, we are both a part of each other’s lives and (so) therefore thought of.

 

My approach should be becoming more I’m here for you to be asked, rather than the intense let me do approach. By asking less questions I hope to put you under less pressure. At least this term we have felt comfortable with each other more than we have felt uncomfortable, a complete reversal of last term (fact, not propaganda).

 

I love life here, but I love life anywhere and I know you love Hereford- and I think that we add life to each other’s lives by being girlfriend and boyfriend i.e. one special individual for each other. I hope that we continue to get on well over the rest of the term, it was only really my insensitivity that was the problem but the trend is definitely long-term upward if we both (i.e. you) let it. Please don’t keep me at arm’s length just because the future is uncertain i.e. you might want to keep your distance in case you leave at the end of the year or whatever. Make the most of each and every day.

 

On Friday and Saturday mornings I have exams. I may even pass, I thrive on my failure if I do fail, I just don’t want to disappoint my family. The jokes here go on, although I had an argument with my parents, who were complaining about how high the supermarket chain’s profits are and what a mark up there must be on food. I said that they were doing the same as mum and dad but more successfully, which is I think true. They wouldn’t want all their profit taken away if they could make any. And so it went on. I think the family wants some peace and quiet too, as you can empathize, I’m very tiring! It saddens me a little to see people wanting conformity and an easy life, and everything seems too much trouble, sod that, do all that you can for other people. It is easier to me than for you of course though, although the summer and time for ourselves will be soon here.

 

That’s why it is nice when you are helping me with my problems as you do, I’m sorry if I appear to trivialize small things as unimportant like breaking Liz’s pencil, that’s me so love me. Don’t think it is wrong for me to change, we are always hopefully doing so and progress is the optimist’s word for change.

 

Enough of all this. I’m not a bad bloke, my heart is in the right place, my foot is just usually in it.

 

Success is a journey, not a destination. You’re back on the right route. And if you should stray off the path again I’ll do my best to guide you. And if you need directions I’ll do my best to be your compass (Ow how corny I hear you sigh!). 07.00 tomorrow morning to give me your bracelet and so that we may see each other before you go.

 

What else? Not really anything. I was just thinking about you.

 

Love, love and love

 

Simon

 

 

Kate

 

I don’t know what I can do to help you feel better. But if I did I’d gladly do it. So if there is, then tell me, and I’ll do as best as I can. And if my best isn’t good enough, I’ll make damn sure I improve so that I’m of optimal use to you. And I’ll be more after than I am now.

 

And when you are warm I will fan you, and when you are cold I will cover you. And all the time I will love you.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

PS. Get better soon! If you don’t I’ll nurse you back to health. This will involve around the clock care, so make sure you get better quickly!

 

Chinese proverb of the day: “A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”

 

 

02/06/92

 

Kate

 

I wanted to say 1. “good luck” for your exam tomorrow and 2. hope it all goes well at the hospital, and 3. I hope that you get a good night’s kip tonight, and 4. I can be quiet and would like to be so with you. I’d like to relax and listen to music etc. with you, hell, I do enough talking with everyone else! That was an initial reason for liking you. I can come up and let the world go by and relax. I find it harder to relax and shut up if the other person is doing another job e.g. washing up or facing away, or far away or at a different height, I like to touch or be close to the person I’m being quiet with as this reassures me that I am recognized as present, and doing something and therefore worthwhile. I hope that you can understand this. Don’t misread me, I don’t love the sound of my own voice at all, I like peace and quiet, and I like your companionship. That’s why I like cuddling and touchy feely, thinking of things to say can be stressful, as can replying.

 

I’m here for you, and love you with my heart, my soul, and everything.

 

Love Simon

 

 

04/06/92

 

Kate

 

Sorry that the work isn’t storming, but I admire your determination and self-discipline to work so hard and do all that you can. You deserve to pass, and I hope that you do.

 

I’m always around if you need company, or a laugh, or a cuddle or whatever.

 

The exams are going fine, I’m not feeling as though I’ve definitely failed anything.

 

The best policy is chin up, but head down!

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

07/06/92

 

For something supposedly important in your life you don’t try very hard to maintain it. Love has to be earned, and you do nothing for me. When you stopped giving me affection it needed to be replaced with some sort of effort, none of which came. You understand me and can give me good advice, but I don’t need it very often, not often enough to put up with your exaggerations of trivial matters. Time is precious, and I’m not going to waste mine on you. I’ll give my love to someone who appreciates it. Basically, no-one treats me badly or gives me stress like you.

 

 “It must be crap: what else would you write about every day?” Dad.

 

 

08/06/92

 

Kate

 

Fundamentally, if it is dead, walk away and forget it, don’t flog, don’t cling: people usually fight to the death long beyond when it is the right thing to do. Those who don’t are agile, and at an advantage. I’ve got to get over you and find someone who appreciates my love and me. Still it is better that I’m facing reality and it is good for me to fail in life. Displaying such human characteristics does one good, crying at the Ball etc. The sooner I’m out the quicker I’m into something else. I at least know that I love possibly to the level I love you again, and if the other person tries even a little then I’ve got a better relationship.

 

Think yourself lucky, you got a lot for little.

 

Love Simon

 

PS. Thanks

 

 

Sun 14/06/92

 

Kate

 

I’m sorry you don’t feel like it is worth me trying for a girlfriend with you. As is my way I continue to do my best to get the things which are important to me. For me, often when we are together things seem right between us, and I don’t feel relaxed sitting up and talking all the time. I want to lie down and cuddle and not say a lot, that’s what I want to do. I look forward after the exams to longer and more relaxing times between us. Your frame of mind isn’t right, you don’t enjoy it because you don’t think that you will.

 

Sorry about this, I do realize how important your exams are to you but I hope you can see that the quicker it is over the quicker something new can begin. I’m sure that if you liked someone you wouldn’t neglect them. I don’t think I’ll subject some other poor women to my lecherous grabs, abuse, insensitivities and worse of all chat up lines just yet. (“It is not just the one thing I’m after, it’s the 2 things and the 1 thing”). I’m sorry that I can’t control my attraction towards you.

 

The good old days still lie ahead.

 

(Love)

 

Simon

 

 

19/06/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Just a quick note to say many thanks for a really nice talk and evening last night. I hope that there are many more such evenings to come between now and the end of term, and that we both feel comfortable with 1. advanced affection rather than “passion” and 2. a really good friendship, which we have.

 

I’m pretty sure we’ll find a way together because we love each other, however it may be, and are both gaining.

 

I’m thinking of you.

 

Love Simon

 

PS. This is my pen, I found it!

 

 

19/06/92

 

Kate

 

Just a note to say “Many Thanks” for all the efforts you’ve made over the past few days like buying the cherries today. This was really thoughtful of you, you know I like fruit and something other than my normal passion fruit etc. was nice. I know very well that your friendship is precious and I value and love it very much.

 

Well I just wanted you to know that I recognize and appreciate your consideration of me and I hope you feel good about making me happy, which you did.

 

I’m sure you know from how your family etc. were glad to hear from you that you are much loved, you’re lovely and you’re loveable.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

23/06/92

 

Kate

 

Right now there is no one more right. Consider:

 

-If me being around stops you from finding Mr. 100% Right

 

-That we can be happy together “physically” still (see Sunday)

 

-That we should want to be that happy again if it was so good last time

 

-That we shouldn’t sacrifice present potential happiness for a future that might never happen, just in case the grass is greener on the other beach

 

-That if you let enjoyable things happen, they will

 

-I understand that you don’t feel that way all the time (who does?) and don’t mind. I just don’t want you being uncomfortable keeping me away or denying the good times which we can have and could happen, (I enjoy good times and want them when I can, as much as possible).

 

-That I don’t by any means feel bad or discontented if we don’t end up with another Sunday every Sunday. I just want us to be comfortable together however we feel on the day, i.e. a cuddle doesn’t have to lead to more. I’m happy with our close friendship.

 

-I can’t stop my “attention” toward you and you said that you didn’t feel uncomfortable with it, so can’t you just reciproKate when you feel like it and don’t (or tell me) when you don’t, then we can have as many good times in a physical way as is possible and feel comfortable all the time.

 

-I understand that I’m not always Mr. Right and want to see us as a 2 have as many good times as poss. given this fact find him and go for it with my support, (I want to see you happy and can make you so at least some of the time).

 

 

23/06/92

 

Kate

 

The only reason I’d be discontented or frustrated with you is if we didn’t make the most of our v. special relationship. I suppose that all the hours that we’ve spent with one another getting to know each other means that we are better able to make each other happy. This happiness is the spice of life. If I have a time like that I’m inclined to have more of the same. I took pleasure in your pleasure. We laughed together just like we talked together. I guess I might be concentrating too much on one shared experience, but I can only believe that Sunday won’t happen again if you don’t let it.

 

I am sitting here chain-Coking and this will help me survive tomorrow if I don’t see you.

 

Rapport, it is there. I can feel it.

 

Love Simon

 

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

 

 

Kate

 

You’ve proved to everyone and yourself that you can so anything that you want to. I’ve absolute and unconditional faith in your ability, remembering many a time I’ve been intellectually abused. I’m proud of you and to know you and overjoyed to love you.

 

Simon

 

 

Kate

 

I’d love for you to come down and have dinner with me this evening. I wanted to come up and ask you, but am giving you the space you want. Tortellini Amaticiana (!), Jersey potatoes and carrots. This should be quite nice! Would 6.30 p.m. be OK? Note me if it wouldn’t.

 

I LOVE YOU

 

Simon

 

Children shape the future, so stay young.

 

 

Kate

 

I find it hard to let go because it isn’t irrevocably disintegrated, it can still be good. It’s this waste of potential that isn’t helping me not anything else. “Run, walk or sit, but don’t wobble”, well according to that you did right, you just want to sit and I want to run. I can see why you don’t find me attractive and I can see why I find you attractive.

 

Now we start growing apart, losing our rapport, my mind always brings these positive thoughts to the fore! Sorry I mean that the rapport is +, losing it is -!

 

I’m far from dependent upon you, it is just that I’m more when I’m with you and less without you. I’m happy within myself, just happier with you.

 

It will take me ages to get over you because I don’t want to, and I’m sure that we are right for each other if not now when you don’t want a relationship. I hope that you see other (shallow) guys and I compare favorably. My soul guides me to you, I’ll let you go even if you can make me happy and I can make you happy.

 

Do whatever you feel from now on.

 

Love Simon

 

 

Kate

 

I’d really like to cook for us tonight. The menu is:

 

Carrots, tomatoes (Dutch, large, yielding), cauliflower, new potatoes, mushrooms all in suitable quantities, plus a “pinch” of Coca-Cola and chopped tomatoes with 454 grams of turkey mince.

 

This casserole will be followed by “fruit lycra” i.e.

 

American seedless red pearl grapes and fresh English strawberries in Natural Greek Yogurt.

 

It will be served in one another’s company in my study bedroom (!) at 18.30 (6.30 p.m. to you!).

 

Beverages available include Ice-Cold diet Coke and orange juice (if I can find some of the later!!)

 

I’m really looking forward to this and all of the precious time we spend with one another over the next few days.

 

All of my love

 

Simon

 

 

24/06/92

 

Kate,

 

I see life as doing the best you can with what you are and given whatever disabilities you may have (like my insensitivity!). I think that you’re doing the best you can, what more can you do?

 

I love you for who you are and what you are and wouldn’t change this because it is what I love.

 

See you tomorrow evening. Have a good one at your Grans.

 

Love Simon

 

 

Sat 27/06/92

 

Kate

 

I’m sure that you’ll have a good day tomorrow, and I will too. I’m just kinda sure in my own mind that if we were together then we’d have a better day. We add to each other’s lives, and by insinuation they are less when we’re apart. I don’t have our level of understanding, rapport and love with others, which might come from the 100s of hours spent together over the last 5 months and different situations and problems shared and overcome. I try to differentiate myself by doing more and you can get more love, support, respect, understanding, happiness and laughs from me because my love for you gives me this greater incentive. I won’t waste this love for long (life’s short and love’s precious and shouldn’t be neglected). You’ll be without from now on (or so I intend!!). Come see me when you want me to make you happy, not just because of a date like my birthday, but because it feels right. Else you love, and so do I.

 

Love Simon

 

We’ve already added the bells and whistles, now lets ring them.

 

 

29/06/92

 

Kate

 

I’m very sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable, it is just that I wanted to try and save and grow this wonderful specialness we have between us, I’m sorry that it is not special enough for you not to want to waste it. It’s a huge investment in time and love, a lot of laughs and good times, closeness and specialness, understanding… etc. But it couldn’t continue in the future if we BOTH didn’t want it.

 

You may not be able to see the forest for the trees, baby, but I like your forest.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

The universe is full of magical things, waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

 

 

SDB

Newbury

05/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I’m surrounded by a sea of Coca-Cola cans but not unfortunately by you. It is Sunday evening, around 30 hours since we last saw one another!

 

Thank you once again for a wonderful year, especially the last few days of term when we seemed most at ease and happy. I love you.

 

Since arriving home, as probably most, I’ve been engaged in a ‘heavy organizing operation’ i.e. sorting my bloody self out!

 

Father and mother objected to the several 1000 Coke cans in the loft so I’ve thrown away (i.e. recycled) about 500 today. Many more remain. It is just that I do a lot of swapping with other Cokeologists. You mean to say there are other dickheads who collect such things?! Yes, many thousands in fact.

 

The US cans and bottles which had arrived are beautiful for such items (Nothing compared to you) but have nowhere to go as yet. Many presents here: a Coke cup that doesn’t but should change color upon in-pouring Hokey Cokey! I’m caressing it and will keep you informed!

 

My Nan (rather dubiously) gave me a Coke beach towel and several assorted carrier bags. Apparently after I gave you that Monsoon bag which was hers, she interpreted me as a bag collector and has been collecting ‘pretty’ ones for me. They lie on my floor (somewhere). The only other bag that I have is mother (No, really…).

 

There are 4 bits of possibly your crockery here (3 plates; 1 large, 2 small, and a bowl). They were left over after everyone had taken their bits and bobs and smelt faintly of dewberry perfume oil before I spilt Coke on them. A fifth item, identified only by a pile of ashes, seems to have disintegrated under a pile of my (used) boxer shorts. As a lucrative business venture I may rent them out to industrial waste groups to break down (‘simply, safely and easily’) industrial refuge. Proceeds will of course by donated to charity. Thinking about it, it was a good job I had something on under my trousers for the stripper (i.e. undergarments) as it has been known not only for me not only not to wear underwear (remember my first visit to Hereford?!) but also for me to run out near the end of term and wear something else like a T-Shirt! Still luckily I had a pair of shorts left.

 

I’ve reacquainted myself with my friends surprisingly quickly, and TC Kate No 3 (Sharpe/ curly) has even rung already which was nice.

 

I hope Bronwen especially and others are all tops and not toppled. Start work tomorrow which means I’m nervy.

 

Kate, please, please write something soon.

 

I love you.

 

Simon

 

PS. I’m hopeless!

 

Summary of tonight’s phone conversation:

 

Simon informed Kate that he misses her droopy leggings!

 

 

SDB

Newbury

Mon 6^th July 92

 

Dearest Kate

 

My first day of work today was good. Everyone is really nice and there’s quite a bit to do which passes the time and the work requires concentration which means I’m not always thinking about you.

 

It is at times like this after a long hard day that I miss cuddling up and talking to you for an hour. I don’t really feel like sex or anything, I’m too tired, it is just nice to relax.

 

Last night I was down at the pub for an hour or so. I don’t really like to do anything for too long because it gets boring but I like being with you. That’s nice.

 

This is probably the sort of mood you like me best in! I’m mellow, “cool” and reflective!

 

One of my friends has been going out with his girlfriend for 2 yrs, but had sex with a 14 year old on holiday last summer. Now she’s found out (misdeeds always catch up on you) but he’s asked her to marry him. No answer as yet! I shan’t be up to any such “shenanigans” (“underdoings”) over this summer, I don’t want to jeopardize our specialness, especially as you’ve said, quite rightly, that you wouldn’t feel comfortable  with me after other women. That cuts both ways. I expect my cousin and I will chat a few American babes up, but he’s been going out with his girlfriend for nearly a year so he won’t want anything other than a laugh either.

 

Last year’s chat ups were pulling up to foreign girls waiting at a bus stop and asking them where they want to go. Then at the end of the evening asking for a kiss, “because it is traditional”. Ow, we English boys!

 

Although these are coming daily, they may not continue to do so, not that much is happening. Write soon, to give me something to respond to!

 

I love you and I miss you.

 

Simon

 

PS. Kate, I’ll have you any way you’ll have me, because you’re the most special precious and understanding person in my life.

 

 

SDB

Tues 07/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I’ve had a pretty good day at work. I had a few frustrations in the morning but the afternoon was really interesting. I’ve got 3 projects on the go now, all of which are important if not hugely so. I’m enjoying myself. They have just launched a new product and I’m helping to see how successful the intro has been, from questionnaires etc. The people are nice. It has been someone’s birthday yesterday and today and so we bought cakes for everyone and I’m on the lolly round. I’ve already stamped my authority on the place: a Coke machine arrives tomorrow!

 

Evenings I write to you, read, tidy-up, go for a walk, jog, go out driving, watch some little TV etc. It is nice and the days should go by quickly. Tidying up is progressing well, and I’m now at the stage whereby the hall is clear and I can close my bedroom door!

 

I don’t think that I’m the right bloke for anyone. I’ve found out from you that I prefer women who aren’t carbon-copy Kate and Hels as me. Perhaps you like blokes who are more like you in every respect because it seems more right that way, I don’t really know.

 

Emma thinks I’m a dipple dickshit because I think 1+1=5. The subtleties of interaction and interfacing are as yet a mystery to her. Such purity and innocence… unlike us!

 

Kate, please write soon. I love you with all of my heart.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB Newbury

Wed 08/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Not a bad day at all really. I’m testing a competitor’s product and comparing it to ours and writing how we can improve our product. I’m really enjoying myself and the time’s going quite quickly, soon I have been there (and home) a week and I like it. I miss you, and only you, from Birmingham.

 

It is only really because of you that I settled down at all in my TC ‘study bedroom’. In the first term it was more like a storeroom than a bedroom, but I’m glad I felt quite comfortable there at the end. It is still nothing compared with here, come and see my room, it is lovely.

 

Dad reckons me being on the “horizontal fast stream” means that Vodafone are teaching me to piss quicker than anyone else!

 

When I get home I’m pretty well whacked to the wide and haven’t got down to human biology or Japanese yet. But I will. We had 3 Japanese in today from a phone company and I introduced myself and welcomed them (my Japanese with a Berkshire accent causing quite a laugh with them, and indeed my colleagues!). The only other thing I could possibly do orally was order them a taxi!

 

Vodafone in Germany are having some problems, so it looks like I may no longer be needed. Personnel, who’ve only seen me for 5 minutes, think I’m brilliant, I dread a chance meeting lest they see the real me! I’ll take the unusual step of continuing onto another page and writing a bit more today, because all the above is basically crap!

 

Emma’s off babysitting next door for 2 GBP an hour, so we’re in the ridiculous situation whereby I stay at home babysitting for Emma who is next door in case anything should go wrong there!

 

I’m getting on well with my parents, especially now I’m at work and they hardly ever see me! I’d say that you’d grow fonder of me from the absence but being a realist (as usual!). I know full well that you know me too well for any of that! Bitter experience hardens one somewhat!

 

It was really nice talking to you for a bit on the phone earlier and getting your postcard, I love you and I love hearing from you. Kate, write soon, you could use my clutch pencil if I was nearby (excuse the flousyness!).

 

I love your bloody marvelous self.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

To she with a marvelous body, long blond hair, shining eyes, intellect, personality, droopy leggings, poor circulation and shower cap!!

 

 

09/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

When we first started seeing each other, communication was our main problem. Now of course that we’re more comfortable and have helped each other in the past it doesn’t seem so much of a problem at all. I think that we communicate most excellently. Thank you. Looks like I’ll be going onto another page again today!

 

Work was fine and I worked very hard really (something I’m not used to?!), come to think of it I’m not used to any work at all! I’m able to go back to my boss and ask for some more work which may very well impress him.

 

I’m too tired in the evenings to do anything much, I wish you were here to kiss, cuddle, talk to, relax with. I miss that, I miss you.

 

Since my experience with the stripper my sister has had one with a flasher who did exactly that at her. She’s not the type to worry about it though, indeed she laughed at him!

 

I still- by the way- get those glorious visions of you in nothing but a thermal vest!

 

Dad’s told me that unlike my soon to be married friend I can’t marry a catholic because the wedding ceremony goes on too long. I’ll expect your instant change to catholic status, so don’t bother!

 

I’m really in need of some mouth to mouth resuscitation from and of you, I wish you were here as I whacked to the wide again, my room’s a mess and the cleaner’s coming tomorrow (she’s only been able to clean it about twice in the last couple of years!) and I need your ‘urge to tidy’ down here, or I could do it down here, or I could do it myself if I had the incentive of you visiting!

 

I’d like to wake up to you, bar that a letter would be lovely.

 

All of my love, lots and lots and lots of it.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

PS. You’re sexy.

 

 

10/07/92

 

Kate

 

Every now and again the pain and hurt of not being able to attract the person who I love became too much for me to bear. I realize that there is nothing you can do, or I.

 

I know you understand because I know that every now and again your guilt at not wanting to makes you say it is not fair on me etc. I understand you quite well and perhaps you need my positivity and “you can do anything you want to” sometimes but I think maybe my belief and encouragement and compliments have meant you now think that any bloke is possible, and don’t want an average one like me! I hope the grass is greener in the other field.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

10/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I get the feeling from your lack of writing etc. that I for you really am the past, whereas you for me really are the future. In a few days we’ll have known each other for 6 months which have been lovely, especially towards the end. You can’t even deny that when we’re both at full steam, the whole of the country could be run on our power! I understand your need and wish to try and find someone who you feel like this with all of the time.

 

“You may not be able to see the forest for the trees, but I like your forest”, and maybe other blokes or even looking around and not finding them if they don’t exist are the trees, chop them down and you might be able to see me clearer.

 

I don’t know, I do of course wish to be treated by one whom I love and care for so much to feel thought of. You can’t want to miss me and write to me but don’t (hang on I’ll start that again). You shouldn’t have to try in order to miss me, you just should.

 

I talk some rubbish. Sorry you must feel uncomfortable getting calls and letters and not wanting to do the same yourself.

 

I love you, and if you should ever find out that you love me, then please let me know and I’ll do my best to make you happy!

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB Newbury

10/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Well at least you didn’t get a letter from me yesterday!! I feel better now that we’ve swapped letters and talked. It is good that you communicated your feelings in your letter and told me that I was O.T.T. (as usual!). Sorry that I didn’t communicate how I felt, but I did actually understand.

 

At least at the end of the day I have passion, passion, rapport, understanding, love and all that to give you and in mega doses more than anyone else (Ahhh!).

 

You, and I, are aware of my weaknesses, but at least I have a few good points (please think about them!!).

 

Mum’s birthday Sunday I’m making some food (heaven help them!!). Cauliflower and coconut stew, ham and strawberry sandwiches or at least our strawberry and grape in yogurt dessert! I’ve put a sign up on the kitchen door excluding my liability!

 

I’ve helped my friend to write a letter to his “one night girlfriend” telling her that his long-term relationship isn’t over. He’s going back out with Melanie again. They get on brilliantly some of the time and terribly at others (we get on brilliantly and well!) but think that the good times are worth being around for. I’d agree, we couldn’t have ended the term on such a high point if we weren’t talking (well…!).

 

I’m jogging tentatively- that’s not to say that I’m not quite jogging or that I’m speed walking like in the Olympics with my bum out (you’d be good at that! I’m learning to find the middle way rather than my usual all or nothing (that caused our problem: every day or no days but I’m learning: I want to because I don’t feel bad if I change, it makes me happy to see you happy, I want you to feel happy and not unhappy. Besides that, my daily letters are crap!)

 

I hope that your cold gets better, it seems to have come on since you haven’t had the medicine or my love and warmth of my full frontal embraces! (Don’t worry I don’t really believe it!). Don’t worry about writing for a day or so (please write some time even if it is only a little note esp. while you’re ill. It is not that I don’t feel like it I just love hearing from you. Get well soon, you don’t want to waste the precious time when I’m not around!!

 

I don’t give a damn that you’re ill sometimes- it is such a small percentage of the last 6 months, and I don’t not enjoy the times when you are ill, basically you’re worth it because you’re truly lovely, and I wouldn’t change you for the world.

 

All of my love (and there is a lot of it!)

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Tues 14/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

These past few days I’ve settled down and faced our separation. I feel more relaxed about the whole thing, although I do miss you so very much. It is not that I can’t live without you, I just don’t want to, you’re lovely to be around.

 

Work is going along fine, and I’ve integrated myself into the office well. It is really nice there. As usual, I’ve finished all the work I’ve been set, I work quickly and efficiently, I hope that there’s still loads to do, else I’ll work myself out of a job!

 

I understand about your money consciousness (if I saw some I’d be the opposite- unconscious!- doesn’t warrant an exclamation mark really).

 

I’ve had a ridiculous pay rise from Vodafone and I don’t know if I should offer to pay some keep (it is only a question of my parent’s pride which stops me). I’ll definitely let my sponsorship make up and not supplement my grant next year. My parents aren’t doing so well in money terms either. The family business isn’t doing any business and I’ve known mum to worry before but never dad who cares only really about customers.

 

One of Dad’s employees who I like a lot’s wife is expecting her first baby around now and I wish I knew if s/he was born etc. but because we haven’t got any work for him we haven’t heard.

 

I’ve got my human biology GCSE book. Human biology is interesting (but so is everything) and I like it because it widens me (like you). Human was best as it is what I’m interested in. Although I’m happy “in the office” I don’t feel fulfilled by it all. I don’t feel I’m making a difference to the outside world. I see people as doing normal jobs only and bearing it because their wages feed their families or whatever some people of course don’t have huge ambition like being a doctor or lifesaver.

 

I want to plan ahead, have a vision, be proactive (like seeing problems before they have occurred). I can see you saying that you can’t have a vision because you won’t live to see it. Fuck that, I simply don’t believe it. This may be the heart of my insensitivity towards you, but I believe that you can do whatever you want (just look at your exams: “A’s” despite hospital and antibiotics. I say die when you’re good and ready. I’m immortal until I’m ready to die. You’ll get to be a doctor, I’m certain of that. You may say that I’m an optimist, not a realist. But for me, reality is all which is possible, and everything is, your ambitions anyway. It is only if you don’t see the point of having any ambition or a vision because you’ll never realize it that you’ll die, because you won’t have a purpose or aim.

 

Sorry about all this. I just feel insecure about whether I’m of worth to you from your eyes. Sorry that I haven’t yet enclosed John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’, I don’t to be honest know where it is exactly but I dare say I’ll find it.

 

Kate, I have a role to play in your life, and you in mine. It feels right for us to be together.

 

I love you more than words can say.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

See past tomorrow. Everyone should have a vision, everyone should have a special friend.

 

 

SDB Newbury

Web 15/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Thanks a lot for your postcard this morning, I love you loads. My trip to Walsall tomorrow will be interesting, if only I didn’t have to eat with them all, I’ll have to switch all of my cutlery and all that. If only my parents could have stood to look at me as a child!

 

Sorry about all of my mail for Thursday! You did ask for a postcard! Nan thought that you might have finished with me because of the way I eat, I said No, I didn’t think so as this was a small consideration given my insensitivity etc.!

 

Three of my friends (all girls) are engaged, and all to (much) older men. A couple get married in a couple of weeks. Should I ever find a (deranged?) women who’ll have me I wouldn’t like to get engaged as I’m against the idea. I suppose it is OK if you haven’t lived together and want to see what it is like before marriage, I don’t know. I just think that it’s a waste of time and think that if someone’s agreed to marry you then they should want to, engagements are just like Father’s Day and that.

 

Well. Yes! The office has run out of work for me less than 2 weeks of my 6 week placement! Damn. So today I’ve spent the day looking at the market penetration (notice the word market) of a phone lady with pink tights and a purple dress! Someone in my office took their kitten into the vets in a winebox, and I pretended that when everyone was talking about condoms (as you do!) I thought they were talking about “Cone Dome”, the supposed head of Vodafone in France!! They are having an Ann Summers party (frillies, etc.- the etc is what’s interesting!) and I refused to look at the catalog because of my “19 but sheltered’ upbringing! Office life is thus unimpeachable, and I’ve settled in OK. I felt so good about us today that they asked me if I was on drugs, that’s the effect you have on me baby! I’m Coke mellow, fun-fattened. I feed on you and I’m hungry. (I bet you just melted!). The last few days of term and the early holidays and all that have felt particularly good between us, I can’t believe how much I love you, you’re heavenly.

 

I’ll post this the day after tomorrow to treat you rough and keep you keen and because I haven’t enough to say every day, although it is never difficult to compliment you, 6 months today, and I’m nowhere near finished exploring you. Roll on (roll off). It is GQ publication day which is nice (a man needs these little treats when the love of his life isn’t around).

 

I love you Kate

 

Love

 

Simon

 

PS. Can I call you baby?

 

 

SDB Newbury

Sun 12/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I’m listening to the enclosed copy of John Lennon’s “Imagine”. I know your copy isn’t so good and the whole album’s nice so I recorded it anyway. It is nice to hear it. I owe you a couple of tapes which should come at varying intervals (I’m not sure how long varying is).

 

My love songs tape number 3 is now nearly complete, and I’ve edited out the songs that you didn’t like when we were curled up listening to it (nice). I’m also planning a tape of 60s love songs and songs which I like from Mum’s old albums, so that may be nice!

 

I’ve had a nice weekend and stayed over Saturday night at a friends. On Saturday night we went into town for a drink and game of pool, and bingo, and a chat and it was really nice. I came back Sunday at 5 p.m. or so after playing football Sunday morning which was good exercise.

 

Nan and my aunt were here and were all watching my weight and saying I’m eating nothing and it is true that I don’t eat as much as I used to (because in Brum I’m paying for it, and cooking it!).

 

Since meeting you I’ve mellowed and relaxed, or perhaps it is because I’m without you now, I don’t know. I should be able to be OK in my driving test though instead of stressed as twice before. I haven’t applied yet, you have to get the forms from the test center now as the Post Office lost the contract to have them! I believe very much that one can do whatever one wants to do, i.e. achieve if there is an incentive. The thing with my driving is that I don’t really need to pass, all my friends drive me if we go out to a country pub or whatever, and I find that I’m best when motivated.

 

We also went into Burger King on Saturday evening and I caused my mate some considerable embarrassment by firstly making a fuss over the free Coke Olympic badges we were getting (I wanted a particular one (!) which wasn’t around (!)) then taking back this drink holder to be reused as this was a waste of time and packaging, and then, on attempting to reconcile myself with the staff I told them that the salad in my Whopper was fantastic. No luck with the reconciliation!

 

My Nan has collected for me another 10 (!) carrier bags (as if I didn’t have enough rubbish on my floor!). Now would you believe she’s got her friends collecting ‘nice’ ones for me: from Tenerife, the European Parliament and heaven only knows where else. I shall leave them overnight under a pile of my underpants and wake up to find them gone!

 

I won’t post this tomorrow but on Tuesday so you get it on Wednesday, our 6 month anniversary. I’m really glad that we took the time (and the trouble!) to get to know each other so well. I don’t really know why it was you, apart from your beauty, and sometimes I’m surprised at how right we are. My guts tell me what’s right and they’ve never been wrong. I don’t know, time will tell.

 

I love you Kate, and at the end of the day I’m sure that we’ll always stay together (in some form!) because we BOTH gain which is what relationships are all about.

 

I love you

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

Thurs PM

16/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Incredibly for me it is Thursday evening and another week has already had more right than it has left (so to speak). I spent the day “home” in Brum at our National Sales Meeting. Basically we have 56% of the cellular market but our only competitors Cellnet are marketing as if they are leaders. These are very interesting times as we await their new product and develop ours. Luckily today it was only a buffet lunch, so I didn’t look too un-etiquettish (if such a word exists) eating a sandwich.

 

I don’t think that I’d work for Vodafone or Coke or any profit company, Coke only as it improves so many lives which is my minor aim in life. Before the exams, whilst I was revising, I felt very confident and sure of where I was going. Coke not replying to my letter etc. has swayed me off course, but although I’m now less sure I’m still sure that I can be useful in some way (!).

 

I thought a little more about us meeting up and I’d be more than happy to come to Hereford or you to me here, but if the thought stresses you (and your family!) we could quite easily go to the coast or the country for a weekend at a B&B or whatever. I don’t really mind to be honest, just as long as we can see each other. The 22/ 23^rd August is quite good in that it is about half way through the 3 month holiday. You may be in hospital after your appointment in 3 weeks time, I don’t know, you don’t sound too snuffly or croaky on the phone but you might just be excited at my calls! The thought of you going back into hospital isn’t of any real significance to me, I’m a regular there, am used to it, it doesn’t bother me and I love you loads and just like and cherish the times that we are together whenever it may be. The venue doesn’t seem such an important consideration.

 

To answer your question about my accommodation (notice how I answer your questions: I’ve given up asking you and save them for the phone calls!) the battery on my computer is running low and so I can’t retrieve her telephone number (would you believe it!) but I’m not wasting money on directory enquiries until I get to a call box and remember (or Vodafone- cheaper).

 

My photos of us and various other things didn’t come out (the whole film was accidentally ruined by a flat mate) so I didn’t get a photo of us two laughing and cuddling which I would have liked. Still I know damn well what I’m missing and I love being close to you. I hope that you know why I love you so much!

 

Unfortunately, I’ve just emptied out a bag of loose biscuits onto my bed! The senior managers thought that as a student I was missing an untapped opportunity by not collecting up the day’s leftover food. As it had been paid for and to please the managers by getting value for money I collected it, but it is all broken and soggy! Ow well. I slept on the way back in the car unplanidly, because it was an early kick off, and because I went to bed late because I was excited about talking to you on the phone. I’m very happy (at the moment!) with us! No seriously, it has been very good for quite a while now and I don’t think that either of us really wants not to be happy with each other, so it should (all things crossed) stay this way.

 

I love you, because you make me happy.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

PS. I love your eyes, chin, nose and mouth, and tongue, for starters. And your forehead and ….

 

 

SDB

Newbury

Sun 19/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

It was lovely speaking to you on the phone just now, as ever. I can’t believe how easy it is to genuinely compliment you, I’d never leave you unless you wanted me too, you’re just too special.

 

I hope that you had a good weekend. I did in that I relaxed, read, thought, talked and observed. I’ve become so very mellow in my old age, I’ve now learnt to channel my energy into those things which are important rather than brushing my teeth etc. passionately. I think lack of sleep at the TC did that. I like staying at home or seeing friends here or at their house, no-one could accuse me of getting dressed up for it. My 20 minutes at the pub then leave has my friends saying sarcastically “Thanks for popping down”! I like you for a lot longer because there’s a lot to you, and I love it all. I’m proud of my efficiency (I have to have something that I can be proud of!), I don’t like to waste time. I do a job quickly but well. Despite all of my bull, I don’t suffer fools gladly.

 

It was interesting for me to see how popular my best mate is with the girls despite being a bastard to them. The one nighter he finished with still turned up, just in case there was a chance with a cuddly camel, pot of aftershave and a Tunisian Coke can (Nice!). She spent 13 GBP on calls not getting through because he wasn’t there! (supposedly).

 

I think that me helping him write the goodbye letter meant that it was too nice and so she didn’t get the message. Everyone who is and everyone who isn’t has given me something for my Coke collection (not their carrier bags!): your candle can is very durable: some of the things I do with it (transportation etc!). I know it must have taken you a long time to carve in for the string on the candles etc. it was just right and lovely: I love you.

 

My best mate here was teasing his girlfriend saying “I heard you got off with someone last week”. He was just joking but she admitted it but hadn’t told him. (Life’s a bitch). Not surprisingly he told her to go away and don’t return (and got off with another girl). He’s hurt that she treated their relationship so lightly and I think he did the right thing ending it. I’m sure that if I got off with anyone you’d have nothing to do with me and that goes both ways- I would never see you either. I’d never want to be with anyone else, I haven’t for 6 months, and I love you and only want you. I’d never get off with anyone in America, I know that holiday romances are a waste of time, and I just don’t want them compared with you. I love everything about you. That’s why I love you and not anyone else: you’re prettier, understand me better, make me feel happier, and I love your expressions and mannerisms and I’m yours for as long as you want me.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

PS. Would you like to have a bath with me?

 

 

SDB

Newbury

20/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I found some substantial if uninteresting work to fill the day, which passed the time as quickly as one could hope. I’m out all day tomorrow in the field with Judy, my 50 or so (well old!) Marketing Rep. (-presentative not –tile!). At least a change of scene will be interesting. I’m counting the days really until Saturday. I’m getting my hair shortened this week so that it’s not a pain when long and wet and in the sun. Last time I went to America I had it done by lady who’d never cut anyone under 70’s hair. It was that sort of resort: there were only two girls (Amy: you’ve seen her handwriting, you know what she’s like!) and one for my cousin. Still they were so bored they liked us.

 

Heard from Hel today which was nice. I feel guilty that I haven’t written, but I haven’t missed her or Kate No 2 much really at all. I’ll send everyone a postcard. My address is:

 

La Costa Beach Club Resort

1504 North Ocean Blvd.

Pompano Beach

Fla. 33062

USA

TEL (305) 942 4900

 

(10 miles from Fort Lauderdale airport, key deposit $25!)

 

It is nice, with a private beach etc. If you like (I would) I’ll write to you as well as you to me, I’m going to be thinking about you a lot. My hair will be long enough for you to run your hands through it by the time I get back!

 

Nan was here yesterday and said (amongst other things unfortunately) that she thinks I’d be acceptable if I stopped “taking Coke” (she doesn’t know me very well!!).

 

My accommodation for next year is all still OK fortunately (the silly cow hasn’t heard about me: silly cow!).

 

I’m saving up all my tongue lashings for you, indeed I’ve got a lifetime’s passion inside of me for you lady! You feel the full brunt of it (you lucky thing!).

 

We’ve still got our slow dancing lessons and have agreed to go out more next year and we’re getting on better than ever and our love’s growing and I want the future to contain an awful lot of your heavenly total package. There are still a lot of things to try e.g. Botanical Gardens and a lot to learn and a lot to look forward to (I promise!)

 

I’m calling your mums on Thursday at 9 p.m. if you’re not around don’t worry just tell me when I can speak to you on Friday after 4 p.m. as we fly early Saturday morning (Virgin 11:15 a.m.).

 

I love you more than anyone or anything else in the world.

 

Love Simon

 

 

SDB

Newbury

10.20 pm Tues 21/07/92

 

Dearest Kate,

 

It is late (for me) on Tuesday and following your instructions (“Get you finger out”!) this is your super, smashing, lovely, great letter for Thursday! I seriously feel these days that I know you v. well and can sense problems and know how to help you so the same for me. I think that we understand each other well and it is nice that if you or I have a problem we have each other. I love that.

 

Well anyway, hmm! I do hope that we see each other and don’t want to pressure you believe it or not! Basically I can see a window whereby we get together, hold each other and go out and relax and it will feel right, because it does.

 

It is late, I’m relaxed but would love for us just to be together to talk at length and cuddle. I’m (as you know from bitter personal experience!) a touchy-feely person but I only want to interface with you.

 

Good day today out on the road, I met some dodgy mobile phone dealers (one whose surname has changed four times for tax purposes!) etc. But nice, and I got dropped at my nans and had a nice time there. My aunt (by the way) was there and has had some shoulder pain. She went for an x-ray and has an extra set of ribs which cause it. I got on well with my Grandparents (you’ve met Nan so that’s why this is notable!) and left them some little notes to say I love them.

 

I wish that I could have driven back myself from nans to save mum coming to pick me up, but I’ve been out with Dad a couple of times and definitely need professional tuition!

 

Vodafone, to answer your question, are paying me 708.91 GBP per month, no tax of course for we students. That’s around 4.43 GBP p.h., not bad as some of my friends are earning 2 GBP at a local service station and I’m getting good experience as well.

 

It is Wednesday a.m. now, at 7.20 a.m. and I’m finishing this for you tomorrow.

 

My manager has a ski-jacket with the slogan: ‘Good guys go to heaven, bad guys go everywhere’. Wow. Hellspells. Stick with me (baby!)

 

Love Simon

 

You’re the best, and I don’t like to compromise.

 

 

SDB

Newbury

Wed 22/07/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

Thanks for this morning’s letter. I feel good that when you have a problem you choose to share it with me, I too have my problems with my family (Emma, the business) and know that I have you (see later!) but there’s no longer- I hope for you too- unhappiness with us because neither of us want to argue so I don’t think we will. I want my future to be full of you. I’m happier with life in general knowing that we’re getting along, because you’re important to me. I know that I’m only 50% of our partnership, but don’t forget that I’m 65% of the brains. You provide the good looks!

 

I’ve been unofficially allocated the title of “under deputy assistant marketing support designate” (Designate meaning not quite!). I don’t really mind, I’ve never had a title before, apart from “Dickhead”!! (2 ‘!’s means particularly funny!). I’ve had a mad-on at work today and my colleagues asked me if I was getting hyped up for my holiday to explain my cheerfulness. Still it is better to smile like a Cheshire Cat than laugh like a bumblebee! (Ancient ying-yang saying?!). I’ve had too much sleep! I’d better watch out that the authorities don’t hear about it! I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never been served a restraining order (Maybe they should give me one about you! I can’t keep my hands off your gorgeous body!). I love you.

 

My bad mood with Emma is just really because she’s spoilt. My cousin, though an excellent mate, is very spoilt and doesn’t want for anything. But he’s lazy and unemployed and bad with money. Going without might make you appreciate things more. I’d rather go without and appreciate than have it all and not be grateful for it. It is sorta like a kiss from you being more pleasurable than making love to any other girl because it is special. I love you and because you’re an excellent kisser. I don’t want sex universally, I’m only attracted to you. But back to it! I clipped Emma not too hard round the ear yesterday because I love her and worry about her. Mum and Dad said it wasn’t for me to judge or discipline her (true), but that they could see my point and I had their support, and were bothered more as a show to Emma than anything. They’re pretty much pro-me esp. Mum who I get the feeling is happy I’m home (silly cow!) despite my repeated abuse like “you wouldn’t kiss her in case you got lost in the wrinkles” (I know why you sympathize with her!). I’ll do what I can to ensure Emma grows up like me!! Well then that’s that off my chest. It is nice for me that you’re there to listen!

 

This is my last letter for a bit from England, but I’ll write every day from Florida, and post when I can. I’ll do my best, and be certain that I’ll be thinking of you and missing you loads. Pretty soon after I get back, lets go and get away from our families for a bit. Stratford for a weekend would be nice, and not expensive in a B&B.

 

I don’t know what will happen in the next 2 weeks, but I’ll end it loving you, that’s certain.

 

Take care and write soon.

 

Love

Simon

 

 

SDB

Pompano Beach

27/07/92

 

Kate

 

It is just Monday evening at 7 p.m. I can’t leave you for more than a few days, so I won’t leave you again. I don’t think that there are any guarantees in relationships, no-one owns anyone else, and if there are more right partners for us out there then they will come, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t have some fun in the meantime. I can’t, from what I can see, find much better than you anywhere in the world! I’m after an exact match of you, but someone who likes me! Basically all US girls are size XXL- to see them all out desperately jogging is a real sight!

 

We’ve been out on the last 2 days (well, the only 2 days), to a flea market (huge) where I got loads of Coke commemorative bottles etc (Nice) and to a Mall today (5000+ shops!) where I got some cheap clothes, American GQ (nice) etc. The hotel is nice if quiet, there are no girls here of any description, especially not in pairs, and she’d have to be an 11/10 to even interest me after you. I love you.

 

Nine hour flight was good as 9 hour flights go, Richard Branson himself was on board, and each person had an individual video TV (I watched 3 films on the way!). The time difference is you’re 5 hours ahead, it cost me 2.50 GBP (5$) to call for a minute (!), when the operator said ‘you’ve got 5 cents credit’, I thought nice! Still it was important for me to know that we’re in touch and OK. I didn’t mind at all. There are 7 telephone companies from whom you can choose at each place, and everything here is very, very cheap, half UK prices because competition is cutthroat. (It’s the free economy gone mad). The consumer is king here, you get goods cheaper if you’re nice to the sales assistant! Price and not quality is important to the Americans. I like quality: I like you. It is 90+ degrees all day, the flat’s too cold with the air conditioning, the outside’s too hot! The beach is lovely and we’ve been in playing catch tennis etc. which was nice. There’s ample water (2 outside pools, 1 inside, 2 Jacuzzis, 1 spa and the Atlantic ocean!).

 

Last night we went to “The Strip” to a club called “The Candy Store”. The strip is where all the US people our age ‘hang out’ and was busy for a Sunday night. A couple of girls where gagging for us (they were about 25!) but we thought that if they liked us there must be something wrong with them so left it!

 

It is Coca-Cola Classic over here only. The Coke we have (and hold) is “New”, Coke here is the original formula, which is makelovetoable, but also not as nice as Coke in the UK.

 

I had an analysis done as to what type of lover I am. The answer: “Animal”. Stupid machine, only around you!

 

Time is going fairly quickly and soon after I get back I hope to see you. This separation drives me crazy. I do of course love your body, personality, intelligence etc. It is not your lungs that I want to fuck.

 

Write soon, and I will too. I love you, because you’re the best girl in the world.

 

All of my love

 

Simon

 

 

Tues 28/07/92

Orlando, Fl

11.15 pm

 

Dearest Kate

 

We decided to sleep over here in Orlando for 2 nights as we are 3 hours drive away from Pompano Beach. Tomorrow it is Universal Studios, today we went to “Wet’ n’ Wild’ a water slide park v. nearby. We stayed in this hotel 5 years ago and it is still really nice. It is quite near Disney, and a lot is going on. At Wet’ n’ Wild I tried knee skiing for the first time: you get whisked at 16 mph around a lake by a pulley. I came off trying to turn a bend! They told us that if we should fall off to hold onto the rope, which I did, this took me flying through the air! Still it was a new experience. My tendonitis left arm now hurts as I was clinging on for dear life! It is so very nice to visit a new place and do new things. Newbury and Brum (and then only really the TC) normally. It broadens your horizons so we’re going to jet ski, shark fish etc. for something new. I think that we should share new experiences next year in Brum, it’s a big’ ole city and there’s lots to do! A first trip to a hotel (in Brum!) is still OK by me if you want to- a change of scenery is good for you and us.

 

Traveling up gave me more of a look at US style health care. (I thought you doctor-types might be interested!). Hospitals (‘medical centers’) are given * ratings and some advertise that ‘walk-ins’ are welcome!

 

We’ve just been to a “Red Lobster” restaurant, a seafood place in which none of us had seafood! An American couple at the next table had a row during the meal, and wouldn’t talk to each other (you would probably have stormed out!?) and so the restaurant put their food in these boxes for take away and they left. At the start of the meal they were ‘touchy feely’, it just goes to show you the path of true love…! Dad by the way wanted me put in a box!

 

I didn’t like the pasta dish that went with my chicken, so the waitress bought me another (shrimp) dish free! Coke refills were free also and the waitress (Josie) got so used to my requests that she bought me a few “to work on”! Those shrimps reminded me of when Jim Bean and me went to Spain last Summer and we were invited to eat paella. It had little octopuses floating around in it etc. and we drunk 4 liters of Coke trying to wash down this huge plate of paella. When my friend’s mum went into the kitchen, we even put some down our boxer shorts!! (You know me, and can probably believe it!).

 

I’m quite happy, but I’m damn sure that if we were together I’d be happier. I love to be with you, and it is hard when we’re apart. I love you loads and loads and loads. Together more I’d come more alive.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB

Sun 01/08/92

Pompano Beach

 

Dearest Kate

 

It is Sunday morning at 10 a.m., and already over 90 degrees. It is hot above even what the Americans are used to, and I’m a little burnt on my shoulders and arms, but otherwise OK. For the last couple of days we haven’t been far from the hotel. Yesterday (for the first time!) we didn’t even go shopping. I got you some white and light gray Reebok sneakers, they’re nice. Last night we went out for a meal at Bennigans, a restaurant for the second time. It is lovely there.

 

My cousin and I went to a nightclub which was interesting. A huge US woman with her bra (brassiere: coffee shop!?) hanging out eyed me up. She kept flicking her hair back into my face as a come-on, I whipped my tongue in and out a couple of times and she left! At the club in the Gents ‘Restrooms’ 2 huge blokes were turning the taps on for you, passing you a towel etc. they had along row of aftershaves from which you could choose! Bloody weird but funny! It’s the law to wash your hands after going to the loo over here by the way! My cousin and I went over to a bar and ordered a pint of bitter and a pint of scrumpy cider, neither of which they do here! It is nice over here to have a different i.e. British accent, even if it is from Berkshire! If anyone asks where we come from we just say London. All of the sales assistants falsely pretend that they really care about your well being, and all ask you “How’s it going?”, as if they are interested. So instead of the usual “Fine Thanks” I asked them for advice on the fact that I haven’t had a girlfriend for 5 years (supposedly!). No-one over here seems to be able to talk about anything of substance, which is frustrating for me, being an intellectual!

 

You have to be 18 to smoke, 21 to drink and go into clubs etc. but it is not so very strict (we got in!). You only have to be 16 to drive so a lot of kids our age ‘cruise’ around in great cars, which are so cheap.

 

I’ve pretty much spent out over here now, but with lots to show for my money. I haven’t been out shopping with money like this for years, and I doubt I will again. Everything including food is unbelievably cheap, over 50% plus cheaper, so it had to be done. It makes you wonder how we Brits can charge so much, but the quality is very often very poor here.

 

I miss your intellect and wit and un-fatness!

 

No sign of your letter yet, but I’m sure it will be here before the holiday is out.

 

I love you more than anyone else, because you’re nicer than anyone else.

 

Relax. Enjoy. Smile.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

 

SDB

Pompano Beach

Mon 02/08/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

I had a nice day today. My parents went off on a boat trip visiting the star’s homes around Miami. I’m not interested in that sort of ‘supermoney’ lifestyle- I couldn’t have gone. Instead I sun-basked, read a whole book about the McDonalds restaurant founder, brainstormed etc. I’ve spoken to you on the phone which was lovely. I was just thinking about next year at uni and how to follow last year. It is going to be harder to make a difference but I’ll try to get involved with Carnival etc. to do so. I think that I have to learn to dig-in and be more patient. I want it all- a rewarding job etc. straight off. I feel like the next 3 years are just showing me what I know I can do- you can’t teach people how to make decisions- you’re born with it or without it. The present is just a way of getting to the future, like I want to see you. Quality and quantity are important- fast but exhaustive.

 

My haircut with Herman was very enjoyable. He was a character: Argentinean, covered in costume jewelry etc. he had a huge ring to denote him as the ‘World Champion’ hairdresser! And on his business card, aside from “International Master’ was PHd, quite impressive for a hairdresser I thought then he told me that it stood for “Professional hairdressing diploma” and not doctor of philosophy. He cuts all the stars like James Bond’s hair (he showed us his photo album) and now I’m in there too! He gave me a copy of his personal pledge: believe in yourself and don’t listen to negative friends: at least you don’t get that from me (!) and had 100s of certificates and medals. I liked him, he’d made a go in just really an average job.

 

Close by was “Linda’s Collectibles” with much Coke memorabilia. As a Cokeologist I was over the 2 liter bottle! I spent another $50 (25 GBP) on old commemorative bottles worth far more, and am pretty much spent out now- with enough to live on.

 

I knocked 2 Cokes over in McDonalds in 1 visit! (It’s the Real Thing in the US, not just cola). The checkout girl asked if we came from Germany (after I asked her who did her hair!). It seems to be fashionable to wear curlers outside here. May do.

 

Had a laugh buying your trainers. They’re ‘sneakers’ here and I deliberately asked for a pair of snickers (peanut bars!). She laughed!

 

I’d prefer one intelligent conversation with you than a week with the US airheads!

 

Yesterday we took a river taxi from a restaurant and down to Fort Lauderdale which was nice and relaxing. I’m taking each week or so as it comes now and think that we could all quite easily go crazy if you think too much.

 

I love you: 2 heads are better than 1 (esp. when you’re me!). The way I see us is happy and special together and maximizing our relationship as much as we can and want. Then like any relationship if it dies or someone we think that we can be happier with comes along then of course go for it. I love you and I think that we’re good for each other. I think about us a lot, and I laugh a lot at the good memories.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

PS. Breast implants are a great inchestment.

 

 

Kate

 

It is Wednesday evening and for the last couple of days we’ve experienced our first Miami rain. It hammers it down, and yet is still very humid. I hope that the sun comes back, my tan is fading! I’m having a lovely holiday here, laughing a lot.

 

I met a couple of American children in the pool- Danny Rochelle and Matthew. They are 4 and 3. They call me “poo poo Semen”!! She doesn’t know how many brothers and sisters she has because she can’t count but she knows what her mum’s name is: its “mum”! They have a lovely 7 week old brother and there’s also a one year today baby girl who swims well and loves it!

 

We’re going to the cinema tonight to watch “Mo Money” (the best things in life are free: Yes). We were charged $8 (4 GBP) for 2 drinks at a club. Mum said that we should have taken them back and told them we were underage (in the club!). The waitress looked mortally wounded when we only tipped her 1$!!

 

I bought a really garish multi-colored cheap shirt to embarrass you sometime. The sales assistant couldn’t work out why we were laughing so much.  I gave this women a single red rose after she let me have loads of Coke cups! Just basically laughing.

 

With me you get happy hour all day (and all night too, but only for you!). I miss you most. I love you very much,

 

Simon

 

 

Kate

 

It is Thursday evening, and today we went to the Florida Keys to “The Theater of the Sea” and then to the Everglades National Park. We didn’t stay long at the later.

 

On the way we listened to the People’s Court on radio. For minor offences, if both parties agree, court cases can be heard on the radio and tried by the listeners! You phone in with your verdict after hearing the evidence!! Only America would have this!

 

At the Theater of the Sea we saw sharks. Did you know that they have been researched and when injected with cancerous tumors get better? They are immune to heart disease etc. and the researchers there were trying to find an enzyme so as to find cures.

 

There were no ‘hover boats’ that travel on the surface of the water at the Everglades because of noise pollution (I agree). “Thrill rides” were not allowed (no good us 2 being there together!). American businesses seem to recycle avidly, e.g. the water in public parks used to sprinkle the grass comes from homes (!) etc. The future is in our cans! But households don’t apparently do much at the moment by way of recycling.

 

Only another full day here. I’m looking forward to getting back to intellectual conversation (being an intellectual myself!). No, I just like a good challenge!

 

I love you- three months is just too long! I want to spoil you because you’re so lovely.

 

Love Simon

 

 

Mon. 17/08/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

It was lovely to see you yesterday. It is nice to know that you don’t miss me in the same way as you do your other friends (that can be taken either way!) and that all I said in my second card to the hospital (which I don’t know if you got!) about you making me laugh etc. is still true. You’re still reeling off those little and lovely comments! I feel secure (despite myself!) in our extensive knowledge of one another. I think that I sent 2 cards and a letter to the hospital, I can’t really be sure. I’ve got this warm feeling inside about us- no it is not down there and not because of the cup of tea I’ve just had!

 

This paper was rescued from the photocopier bin (by our brave hero SDB!). At the wedding I thought about getting down on my suited knees scrambling to pick up the confetti for recycling, next time I’ll take the paper from the hole punch! Well- er- what say- if you see what I mean!

 

My latest strategy as regards us is to not think so much and worry- analyze- so much. I want to (and will given the living situation) give you more freedom and be less time consuming next year, so that we can enjoy each other as much as possible but I don’t stop you from meeting others: no nothing, no guarantees but honesty and maximum enjoyment with minimum stress. I’m glad you’re off on holiday somewhere, that weekend will be just right after antis and before house hunting, term start etc.

 

Mum was pleased that my phone bill on our phone was only 1 call at 1.23 GBP to you. I’m quite good at calling from phone boxes (I like the privacy). The bill was double because Dad was calling the Oxford United Clubcall number at 72p per minute or something! At work I asked them to route all calls to my mobile because I was off to the photocopier. Where do you keep your mobile Simon? Never you mind!

 

My tendonitis, which isn’t too bad now I’m not swimming a few times a day, is being caressed with “Traxam” (this for the pharmacology in you!) Gel which you rub in: it has an analgesic and an anti-inflammatory. Evenings are spent with German, Japanese and Human Biology, all of which I enjoy.

 

I’ve got a Coke here and a book and I’m going off to read it for a bit before bed. It puts me in mind of the end of last term when we were reading together in my room. I miss your cuddles. I love you.

 

LOVE Simon

 

Booster!?

 

 

SDB Wed 19/08/92

 

Kate

 

I’m not writing or calling because I don’t feel happy after I have. Our relationship is a win-win one, but it is also a lose-lose one, in that we give each other pressures and hassles, and I don’t think the gain is worth enduring all the pain anymore. I also feel that ‘love’ is either very high or very low, I want to get back to my old days of just being happy. I’d like a women next year in Brum to cuddle every evening for half an hour to wind the day into the night (I enjoyed that with you). Not someone whom I’m allowed to see every few days only. I shan’t be getting another girlfriend, I want to be happy! I’ve had a pretty good go at trying to make you happy over the last 7 months, and understandably you are very thoughtful, complicated and very often unhappy. I don’t know that I’m completely to blame for your unhappiness but I certainly can’t help enough, even my presence is pressuring, and I dare not ask you questions for fear of hassling you. Basically I feel crap when you do, and because I can’t make you happy when I do so want to. My absence increases your chances of finding someone who can make you happy, and mine.

 

I suggest that you go and see Anthony again, as you’ll either find that your memory has built him into something he’s not, or that you’ll be back together again. I suggest this because I want to see you happy, and because when we were together and I’m nearly in heaven you’re telling me that you’re telling me that you and Anthony were really close! Great for me, but honest from you.

 

I feel that in some ways it is good that you (and me) are frustrated and dissatisfied, both with me and not being able to go out (tired) and things. When you are dissatisfied, you are motivated. That’s why I believe in self-reinvention and setting yourself new challenges, because whilst you are dissatisfied with your lot you simply refuse to get ill, die or whatever. Basically being ill is damned inconvenient, that’s why it must be so frustrating for you, I know you don’t want to be ill but I sense that you don’t know how to prevent it. Jumpers etc. may not help, it is hard to fight it and stop it if you don’t know where it is coming from. This frustration at being ill at least leads to determination to get better, perhaps when we are well we could stop fighting it as much by missing the odd physio etc. Don’t, try and fight it all the time the same great amount that just feels right.

 

If you love someone you can let them go. Maybe it is because it’s the holidays and we can’t be together that causes some of the hassles, when we were together at the end of the last term we were happy, although things have always only been right sometimes, (not enough of the time for me and you I think) and never satisfactory as regards my wants and yours. Sorry to chase you for so long, but the gains until now were always worth it. Take care, and I hope that you find happiness. Sorry I couldn’t give you it, that makes me feel so crap.

 

I love you.

 

Simon

 

 

SDB 22/08/92

 

Kate

 

I know I’m bloody useless calling and writing all the time, but I’ve tried (and it has been better between us) recently but you’re still telling me I shouldn’t love you etc. I’ll miss your instant criticisms and stuff but I can only take so much. I don’t doubt that you’d make the necessary concessions and sacrifices needed for a relationship with someone who you actually like!

 

I had an idea that you should double your vitamin dosage because I had a slight cold a month or so ago and I doubled mine and it went. Just try it out at least, always be trying something new and different, don’t stop fighting it.

 

I’ll miss (from what you say I doubt you’ll miss me) but next year is a new one, and I have to try and follow and better last year which won’t leave me a lot of time. Being just your friend isn’t worth all the abuse and pain, girl/ boyfriends are more and special. You’ve made me think about what it is all about and how I want to help, and you’ve made me feel a love like I’ve never known, if someone loved me I could love them even more. Now I want freedom (and happiness) not a relationship, probably you feel the same. I hope that you’ve enjoyed at least some of the last 7 months (I have, just not enough). I hate to admit that that was my best, but the eternal optimist in me says I’ll improve!

 

Sorry that you’ve felt unhappy about us for along time now, really, the short run pain should be worth the long run gain. The first thing you said was “I’m tied up” when I called so I know I’m right. All the very best and if you ever doubt that you are lovely and desirable then I assure you that you are.

 

“Affectionately” (horrible word)

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, Newbury

01/09/92

 

Dearest Kate

 

This is probably the last time that I shall bother to analyze and over worry about our relationship, I’ve done too much of that in the past. I know what I’m looking for from a relationship with you and if I’m satisfied with what I get and so are you then I’m sure that we can stay together. I am certain of our wish to be in a relationship with each other as we are back together despite this holiday. I couldn’t really cope with being without you, which is why I tried to finish us so that I could somehow be happy without you. Now that fabric is in place, and what I see happening with us is grow together or grow apart. If we don’t see each other for weeks on end then we grow apart.

 

Just understand that it is hard for me this holiday not to be in contact with you in every way when I’m used to it every day. It is difficult for me to just leave you for 2 months because you’re on antibiotics and too tired to talk. CF has come into our relationship too much over the holiday. As two people together we were pretty lovely. I hate now all this written propaganda and will it won’t it, it had just better else we’ll lose each other. If it is meant to be it will work out and problems we’ve recently had have worked out which bodes well for the future. (Our future. The future is ours). The bank holiday weekend was wonderful and I enjoyed it immensely. To be honest work is now getting quite tedious but it is good that they wanted me to stay on and wrote an excellent report about my placement.

 

I don’t want to waste any time not doing what we could easily do: time wasting is a crime. I need you, you are an important and different part of my life, that’s why you are special.

 

Every night when we weren’t talking and I thought I’d lost you I was out drinking four liters of Coca-Cola WITHOUT ice and getting paraplegic! Life is short, why compromise? “Never economize on luxuries.” Pain is cleansing, I won’t need to be jealous of you again or anything, giving me another chance means I can show you that I have learnt from mistakes rather than some other Number Two girlie.

 

We need of course now to build some stability so that we know that we can depend on each other again.

 

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”. Stand up. “You must always opt for the unknown, otherwise you limit the options fate can hurl at you.” New experiences are the key for me. You’re my number one choice. I had an idea to visit the tribes of the world and see what they do when they fall ill after reading the Body Shop diary. Don’t let living end and survival begin. Give them a little more than they are expecting. ‘If I go, there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double’. Know your limitations but don’t expect them. Hozho. Sorry I’m freewheeling, but I’m good and a good and I know that I cannot die until I’m ready to. I’ve found what I was born to do. You.

 

I’ve enclosed Bob Geldof’s autobiography which is a good read, but quite dangerous. It is sex, drugs and caring. Read it because it is not you (neither am I) and so it adds to your sphere. ‘I can do something that you can’t do, and you can do something that I can’t do. But we both have to do it.” (Mother Teresa). Had an idea for Medicine with a business subsidiary: I know the idea of too little time etc. but passion persuades. Nothing is impossible unless (until) you think it is. Whack it up. Give and take. Born with balls, big balls. Flow it, whow it. “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” Life’s short. Play hard.

 

Love

 

Simon

 

Once is not enough. Again is the only way.

 

 

03/09/92

 

Kate

 

Over the last couple of months, because I love you so much and was hard pressed to stand being apart from you I tried to finish us on more than one occasion to try and stop the withdrawal symptoms. I love you so very much today and I’ll do anything that I can to make you happy and I love and value your opinions and cherish and value your love. I just wanted to tell you because right now I can’t show you and you can’t see it, but soon now you can and I hope you will. I believe our love to be very strong, enough to overcome any problems- self or otherwise inflicted and there’s nobody in my life who broadens my scope on life like you and nobody who I love as much as I love you.

 

Love Simon

 

 

Kate

 

We’re not in a relationship. That would infer two-way reciprocation, give AND take.

 

I love you the person, but not the way you are with me, and the later is most important.

 

I always tend to look at a person’s good points, if I could focus on your bad points then maybe I can stop loving you. Fortunately for me love has to be earned so mine will soon wear off.

 

I’m not seeing you now to keep me in a good mood and stop me being stressed.

 

I don’t see much reason in going out to the Botanical Gardens etc. My feelings are obvious and so are yours, and they are incompatible.

 

Simon

 

 

SDB, TC

 

Dearest Kate

 

This is just a letter and card to say Thanks for the past few months, from which we have both learnt, and hopefully enjoyed from.

 

The future bodes well for us both. CF doesn’t make the difference if you are in love, and you know that you are well able to make someone very happy, with your looks, intelligence and small things, given the incentive to try. I hope he comes and makes you happy, sorry I couldn’t.

 

As for me, to hold down a girlfriend I need to grow up and normalize, neither of which I am willing to do.

 

I know where I am going, and we have both improved as people I think from going out. I have, and you might have seen that with incentive you can open up and communicate, and are special and can get what you want in life.

 

I feel it is better for me to try and go out with the 10/10s like you rather than compromise because of me.

 

Normal relationships are easy and boring. A relationship with you in which you share the (relatively) bad times, and then enjoy the good times when things get better is lovely. Our relationship has been different for both of us than others. Spending such a lot of time in different circumstances might have been a new experience for you. This is good.

 

Our future is what we make it. Given a little time we shall probably feel relaxed with each other with no agenda or ulterior motives. Knowing you won’t simply be giving me the wrong impression or leading me on may make you happier to do little things for me. Anyway, if we can stay friends, and good ones please, then please let it be, because fundamentally for me I don’t get your understanding from anyone else, and you’re good at guiding me towards the things which are right for me.

 

Many of the things mentioned in the card needn’t change with friendship (I’ll even cook for you if you like!). I hope that they don’t- we added a lot to each other’s lives, and we can continue to do so.

 

I’ll go now, to exams and another day and more opportunities to enjoy.

 

See you in a couple of days.

 

Things change, but memories never die.

 

Love Simon

 

 

Kate

 

Ice cubes, idiots and their games, ticket printing, lively intelligent conversations, dewberry, touchy feely (prodding and sniffing!), full frontals, understanding, pen_ses (global and otherwise), slappings, lovely boys and cheeky bitches, 1000+  flowers but no pot plants, first spring daisies, reservoirs, rolled oats, passion and passion fruit and other exotic fruits and fights, shower caps, Tories and labours of love, 1+1s, various broken items, tights, ice creams, theatre and underage drinking, kisses; proper and otherwise, lecherous grabs, 14^th century Virgin Marys, problems with technique, “ow’s and ahs and it is colds”, lost at shopping trips, sub-NHS food, meat that doesn’t cook, underwear on radiators and lack of, lack of long acting carbos, Bran Flakes, diet Coke, too many letters and more quotations than you can shake a stick out. THANKS for the memories.

 

Love Simon